April 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, New England Patriot tight end Rob Gronkowski popped his head into the White House briefing room to ask Press Secretary Sean Spicer if he needed any help. That story again, a man who shows obvious signs of severe and repeated brain trauma met Rob Gronkowski.

2. While making a speech in Wisconsin on Tuesday, President Trump called Wisconsin Senator Paul Ryan by the wrong name multiple times. “Yeah, he’ll do that,” said Eric and Tiffany.

3. Last week, President Trump’s reelection campaign said it raised $7.1 million during the first three month this year. Although, that number could be a lot higher depending the on the strength of the ruble.

4. Marijuana advocates have vowed to smoke pot and get arrested on the steps of the U.S. Capitol building. They will join the long list of people who went to Washington with a purpose and then immediately forgot it upon arriving.

5. According to a new report, casino magnate Sheldon Adelson gave $5 million to Donald Trump’s inauguration effort. Because no one is better than Trump at blowing profits made in the casino business.

6. Quarterback Tom Brady skipped his SuperBowl champion New England Patriot’s trip to the White House yesterday. “No, you break the news to him,” said Reince to Jared:

7. According to a new study, having frequent sex improves your memory. “Not if I do it right,” said Bill Cosby.

8. Yesterday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said President Trump was correct to say a U.S. battleship was headed to North Korea even though it was sailing in the opposite direction because it would head there eventually. Well, if we’re dealing in eventualities, I completely understand where disgraced, former White House Press Secretary and current member of ‘Dancing with the Stars’ Sean Spicer is coming from.

9. According to sources, a Russian government think tank controlled by Vladimir Putin developed a plan to swing the 2016 U.S. presidential election to Donald Trump. Of course, in Russia, this is what a think tank looks like:

10. During the New England Patriot’s visit to the White House on Wednesday, President Trump likened their long-shot, comeback Superbowl victory to his own election victory. That unbelievable story again, Donald Trump managed to make something about himself.

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