November 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Donald Trump on Thursday told Iowa’s voters that those who support Ben Carson are “stupid” to believe the “crap” that is his life story. Then Trump demanded to see Carson’s long-form autobiography.

2. Rick Santorum hammered Barack Obama’s foreign policy on Saturday, blaming the President for the terror attacks in Paris. Keep in mind, this is the same Rick Santorum, who in the aftermath of the church shooting in South Carolina, accused President Obama, Hillary Clinton and other democrats of “politicizing [a] very tragic event.” Fittingly, hypocrite is a French word.

3. Last Thursday night, the Buffalo Bills sported all red uniforms to beat the New York Jets, who donned all green jerseys, but color blind people were unable to tell the teams apart because they have trouble differentiating between those two colors. Despite popular opinion, Jets quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, who threw two interceptions in the loss, isn’t colorblind, he just sucks.

4. During Saturday night’s Democratic debate, Martin O’Malley called Donald Trump an “immigrant-bashing carnival barker.” And, by the look of his hair, a carnival barker who’s been on the Tilt-A-Whirl one too many times.

5. During Saturday night’s Democratic debate, Martin O’Malley used the phrase “weak tea.” And fellow-candidate Bernie Sanders agreed, saying he hadn’t see tea that watered-down since he and a couple of buddies threw some crates into Boston harbor.

6. In response to a rant by presidential candidate Donald Trump in which he likened fellow-candidate Ben Carson to a child molester, Dr. Carson said he would pray for Trump. “While you’re at it, could you throw a few my way too,” said Jeb.

7. According to the New York Times bestseller list, Ben Carson’s “A More Perfect Union” has sold more copies than Donald Trump’s book, “Crippled America.” Although, most bookstores are running a promotion, where, if you buy both books, they’ll through in a:
a. do-it-yourself lobotomy kit for free.
b. “I’m a Moron” bumpersticker for free.
c. bottle of Ambien for free.

8. Marvel announced last week a new line of adult bedding featuring comic book characters like Captain America, the Incredible Hulk and Ironman. Unsurprisingly, they only come to fit a single bed.

9. While answering a question on the subject of free college tuition during Saturday night’s Democratic presidential debate, Hillary Clinton said she didn’t think American taxpayers should pay for Donald Trump’s kids to go to college. Although, if it’s Kabul University, I’d chip in a few bucks.

10. During Saturday night’s Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton referred to the president as a “she.” “I’ll take that as an endorsement,” said Lindsey Graham.

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