1. On Monday, it was announced that ”Memento,” Christopher Nolan’s 2000 breakout film, will be remade. The film tells the tale of a man who wakes up every morning and can’t remember anything about his past, it will star Dr. Ben Carson.

2. Runners who participated in last weekend’s Bangkok half-marathon had to run an extra four miles because race organizers did the math wrong. People became suspicious that something was amiss when the runners didn’t even have enough energy to insert the fact that they just ran a half-marathon into every conversation.

3. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders joined Snapchat on Monday. That story again, apparently you can join Snapchat from a rotary-dial, land-line phone.

4. According to the U.N., 2.4 billion people around the world don’t have access to decent sanitation and more than a billion are forced to defecate in the open. It’s true, I saw a shocking documentary on this very subject where two girls were forced to share one cup.

5. According to the U.N., 2.4 billion people around the world don’t have access to decent sanitation and more than a billion are forced to defecate in the open. “Now, where exactly are these people shitting in public?” said Germans.

6. Former “Jersey Shore” stars Snooki and J-WOWW have launched a new Youtube reality series called “Moms with Attitude.” Presumably because “Moms with HPV” was already taken.

7. Actor Charlie Sheen is expected to disclose that he is HIV positive in an exclusive interview on Tuesday’s “Today Show”. Experts say, with advancements in medicine, the disease won’t kill him, but he may die of exhaustion from calling all the women he’s slept with.

8. Actor Charlie Sheen is expected to disclose that he is HIV positive in an exclusive interview on Tuesday’s “Today Show”. “What a minute, is that what he meant by ‘tiger’s blood?’” said concerned tigers.

9. Actor Charlie Sheen is expected to disclose that he is HIV positive in an exclusive interview on Tuesday’s “Today Show”. “Yes, but can he play point guard?” said the 2-8 Los Angeles Lakers.

10. A woman has filed a $1 million lawsuit against a feminist publishing house because she claims she was fired for being “too lesbian.” If the judge sides with her it will most likely mean that no one will be able to be cut from a WNBA team ever again.