October 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Mustard prices have jumped this fall to their highest level in seven years. Which means some of Chris Christie’s shirts are now worth a fortune.

2. According to a new poll, Dr. Ben Carson has pulled ahead of long-time Republican frontrunner Donald Trump in Iowa. But, I assume, that’s only because the poll did not offer a “none of the above” option.

3. Police in Round Rock tried for hours on Thursday to corral four emus on the loose that have been roaming through a residential area in the Austin, Texas. Begging the question, has anyone seen Lincoln Chafee lately?

4. China’s ruling Communist Party has listed golf and gluttony as violations. “Well, I can tell where I’m not wanted,” said John Daly.

5. A handful of white supremacist groups are upset that the lead actor in the upcoming “Star Wars” film is black. The groups were also upset that it took almost two full hours to finally get straight out of Compton.

6. The Department of Homeland Security sent a stern warning to the Secret Service after two officers were caught napping at their posts. But, in their defense, having sex with Brazilian hookers is really tiring.

7. Scientists in southern China have discovered 47 human teeth dating back at least 80,000 years. 80,000 years, taking into account inflation and the strength of the yen, the tooth-fairy owes those scientists approximately $30 gajillion.

8. UFC star Ronda Rousey is personally training actor Vin Diesels’s seven-year-old daughter int he art of judo. No word on who is teaching the girl to speak English.

9. On Wednesday, CNBC announced that Chris Christie, John Kasich and Rand Paul will round of the field of ten candidates that will participate in next week’s Republican debate. CNBC said they wanted to include more than ten, but Christie was the last one to enter and they forgot to grease up the doorframe.

10. Khloe Kardashian and her basketball player husband, Lamar Odom, called off their divorce on Wednesday a week after the athlete collapsed and fell into a coma in Las Vegas. Apparently the coma allowed Odom to lose enough brain cells to fit in with the Kardashians.

11. Representatives for former host of “The Price Is Right” Bob Barker said he was doing okay after taking a fall while going for a walk in the Hollywood Hills. Authorities have not ruled out foul play and have narrowed the list of suspects to every dog ever spayed or neutered.

12. An Indonesian villager is encouraging rural children to read by delivering books via his mobile library which is strapped to the back of a horse. The horse library solves two age-old problems, getting children to read and preventing homeless people from masturbating at the library.

13. A hunter in Norway shot and killed two moose before realizing he was shooting through the fence of a zoo. The hunter is now questioning the validity of the fish he shot in that barrel yesterday.

14. Early ticket sales for December’s “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” broke IMAX records with more than $6.5 million for U.S. screenings. Experts attribute this huge number to the theaters’ new “one ticket per person, including imaginary girlfriends” policy.

15. The November issue of “Ebony” magazine features a picture of the cast of “the Cosby Show” on its cover and a scathing article on the inside. Said Malcolm Jamal Warner, “Hey, a cover’s a cover.”

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