10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Mustard prices have jumped this fall to their highest level in seven years. Which means some of Chris Christie’s shirts are now worth a fortune.

2. Police in Round Rock tried for hours on Thursday to corral four emus on the loose that have been roaming through a residential area in the Austin, Texas. Begging the question, has anyone seen Lincoln Chafee lately?

3. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is currently touring around the South trying to appeal to southern voters and make the case that he’s one of them. Which explains why he keeps talking about how attracted he is to his own daughter.

4. Items belonging to action star Sylvester Stallone are on display in New York ahead of an upcoming auction. Proceeds of the auction will go to a very needy cause, Frank Stallone.

5. During halftime of Monday night’s NFL matchup between Eli Manning’s New York Giants and the Chip Kelly coached Philadelphia Eagles a new trailer for the upcoming “Star Wars” movie “The Force Awakens” aired featuring glimpses of Kylo Ren and the First Order. “I understood half of that sentence,” said fans of “Stars Wars” or the NFL.

6. In a recent survey, almost half of young women said that at some point in their lives, they had experienced feelings of melancholy after sex. “For a long time I didn’t realize there was another option,” said Selena Gomez.

7. On Tuesday, Subway announced that they will start serving antibiotic-free chicken and turkey in all their U.S. restaurants by next year. So surely that will be the Subway story that people will remember from this year.

8. Microsoft has created a new chamber that has been certified as the quietest place on Earth. And, to keep it that way, the chamber will be screening a copy of “Mortdecai” on a continuous loop.

9. Last Wednesday, a Target store in San Jose, California accidentally played the audio to a porn movie over the store’s public address system. That announcement was quickly followed by an apology and another announcement for a clean up in every aisle.

10. Alibaba offered to pay $3.5 billion to become the sole owner of Youku Tudou, which is known as China’s YouTube. Youku Tudou is similar to the regular YouTube except how-to cooking videos and cute dog videos are not separate categories.

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