October 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Presidential candidate Donald Trump was scheduled to appear on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” Tuesday night, but cancelled at the last second. Trump cancelled presumably because he found a younger, hotter talk show to go on.

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is currently touring around the South trying to appeal to southern voters and make the case that he’s one of them. Which explains why he keeps talking about how attracted he is to his own daughter.

3. According to a new survey, the proportion of adults that admit to using marijuana has doubled over the past ten years. But that’s only because researchers started counting “what was the question again?” as a “yes.”

4. In New York, a 100-year-old woman still works 11 hours a day, six days a week. The woman doesn’t work seven days a week because she’s a fucking slacker.

5. Architects in Zurich have created a construction robot capable of laying bricks into pre-programmed structures. Even more impressive, the robot stops whatever it is doing to harasses any woman that walks by.

6. According to a autopsy, a Brazilian man who died suddenly on a flight from Portugal to Ireland, after becoming agitated and biting a fellow passenger, had swallowed packages of cocaine pre-flight. Doctors believe one of the packages burst, causing his death or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, natural causes.

7. It was announced yesterday that comedian Chris Rock will host the 2016 Academy Awards. Rock is expected to set the record for most times the n-word has been said during an Oscars broadcast since Mel Gibson’s 1995 acceptance speech for “Braveheart.”

8. Items belonging to action star Sylvester Stallone are on display in New York ahead of an upcoming auction. Proceeds of the auction will go to a very needy cause, Frank Stallone.

9. On Wednesday, Vice President Joe Biden said he would not run for president in 2016. “Looks like I scared him,” said Lincoln Chafee.

10. Last night, the New York Mets beat the Chicago Cubs to advance to the World Series where they will attempt to win their first title since 1986. Or, according to Daryl Strawberry’s memory, their first title ever.

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