June 5, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to sources, Jeb Bush will announce his bid for the Republican presidential nomination on June 15 in Miami. So now, once again, John Travolta’s sexuality is the world’s worst kept secret.

2. After the first round of the LPGA’s Manulife Classic on Thursday, Cheyenne Woods, Tiger’s niece, was atop the leaderboard. Of course, this isn’t the first time a pro-golfer named Woods was on top of a bunch of ladies.

3. Miss Piggy was recognized for her contributions to society with a feminist award at the Brooklyn Museum in New York yesterday. “Well, I guess I’ll take that award off my mantle,” said all the previous winners of the award.

4. Delta Airlines is experimenting with pre-loading carry-on bagage to speed up the boarding process. It’s all part of Delta’s plan to find a way to lose your carry-on bags too.

5. According to a new study, men who skip breakfast see a drop in athletic performance hours later. Which, according to my calculation, means the Jets haven’t eaten breakfast in over 12 years.

6. An online petition is being circulated calling for Caitlyn Jenner to forfeit the Olympic gold medal she won in 1976. So good luck to the idiots who think it’s a good idea to try to take away a gold necklace from a woman.

7. A 90-year-old man in Illinois backed his car through his garage door on purpose because it was the last thing on his bucket list. Hopefully “attend wife’s funeral” was also on that list or he’s never gonna hear the end of the garage door thing.

8. Former Texas Governor Rick Perry announced on Thursday that he will pursue the Republican presidential nomination again in 2016. Because if his failed presidential run just four years ago, his college GPA and his general way of speaking prove anything, it’s that Rick Perry is not a quick learner.

9. Former Representative Mel Watt acknowledged this week that “someone” told him about former House Speaker Dennis Hastert’s alleged abuse more than 15 years ago while the two were both members of Congress. Thanks for the heads-up Mel, you know when it would have been a better time to bring this up, 15 years ago!!!

10. Yesterday it was reported that New England Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski, as well as his father and four brothers, will appear on an upcoming episode of Family Feud. Marking the first time a story about an NFL player that contains the words ‘family’ and ‘feud’ didn’t end with domestic violence charges.

11. Yesterday it was reported that New England Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski, as well as his father and four brothers, will appear on an upcoming episode of Family Feud. Not to be outdone, the Duggar family will appear on an upcoming episode of I’ve Got a Secret.

12. In a recent speech, Jeb Bush said that he has learned from his brother’s successes. By which I assume he means, get dad to buy Florida in the election.

13. A new brand of whiskey is for sale called Whiskey by X, which features flavors inspired by porn stars. So far the top selling flavor is none. Yeah, turns out, no one wants to buy porn liquor.

14. A Florida man walked 1,142 miles from Tampa to New York City to attend a Yankees game. Said the man, “There’s nothing like booing A-Rod in person.”

15. Spanish restaurant El Celler de Con Roca regained its titled as the world’s best restaurant on Monday. While the title for the world’s worst restaurant went to Guy Fierr’s (fill in the blank).

16. 92-year-old Harriette Thompson became the oldest person to ever finish a marathon. “Ah, fuck,” said the guy who finished after her.

17. Chester Hanks, a.k.a. rapper Chet Haze, son of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, is under fire for a series of Instagram posts in which he defends his use of the n-word. Proving it doesn’t take 19 kids to have one dud.

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