June 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Four people who cheered, allegedly excessively, for loved ones at a high school graduation ceremony in Senatobia, Mississippi were arrested and fined for disturbing the peace. But, in their defense, since this was Mississippi, I’m guessing they didn’t have a whole lot of experience with how to behave at graduations.

2. United Airlines apologized yesterday after a flight attendant’s refusal to give an unopened can of soda to a female Muslim passenger sparked a media outrage. Said United, “We’re sorry, we don’t know how she even got on the plane to begin with.”

3. Yesterday it was reported that New England Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski, as well as his father and four brothers, will appear on an upcoming episode of Family Feud. Which I assume will set the record for the most times the phrase “Top 100 answers are still on the board” is uttered.

4. Researchers in the U.K. are designing a cane with a camera and facial recognition software that allows the visually impaired to recognize people from up to 32 feet away. Up until this point, the most advanced technology in the field were seeking-eye dogs that barked at black people.

5. The Grateful Dead are putting out an 80-disc live performance compilation. Thus giving Grateful Dead fans 80 opportunities to make a bong out of a CD.

6. At a fashion awards show earlier this week, Kim Kardashian’s dress caught on fire. Kim said she hasn’t felt a sensation like that since the last time she peed.

7. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal plans to make an announcement in New Orleans this month on whether to join the crowded field of candidates seeking the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. It all depends on whether his advisors either tell him to run or, instead, give him good advice.

8. It was announced yesterday that Yahoo! will broadcast the October 25th game between the Buffalo Bills and the Jacksonville Jaguars in London in the first live-stream of an NFL game. Marking the first time the phrase “Yahoo!” has ever been associated with a Bills-Jags game.

9. The Indian government has launched a “Lost and Found” website to help families trace the tens of thousands of children in the country who go missing every year. Have you checked Angelina Jolie’s house?

10. At the World Naked Bike Ride in England over the weekend, race officials banned a man after he became visibly aroused during the race. But, in the man’s defense, that’s just the equivalent of a runner leaning in and sticking his nose out at the finish line.

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