January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

June 5, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to sources, Jeb Bush will announce his bid for the Republican presidential nomination on June 15 in Miami. So now, once again, John Travolta’s sexuality is the world’s worst kept secret.

2. After the first round of the LPGA’s Manulife Classic on Thursday, Cheyenne Woods, Tiger’s niece, was atop the leaderboard. Of course, this isn’t the first time a pro-golfer named Woods was on top of a bunch of ladies.

3. Miss Piggy was recognized for her contributions to society with a feminist award at the Brooklyn Museum in New York yesterday. “Well, I guess I’ll take that award off my mantle,” said all the previous winners of the award.

4. Delta Airlines is experimenting with pre-loading carry-on bagage to speed up the boarding process. It’s all part of Delta’s plan to find a way to lose your carry-on bags too.

5. According to a new study, men who skip breakfast see a drop in athletic performance hours later. Which, according to my calculation, means the Jets haven’t eaten breakfast in over 12 years.

6. An online petition is being circulated calling for Caitlyn Jenner to forfeit the Olympic gold medal she won in 1976. So good luck to the idiots who think it’s a good idea to try to take away a gold necklace from a woman.

7. A 90-year-old man in Illinois backed his car through his garage door on purpose because it was the last thing on his bucket list. Hopefully “attend wife’s funeral” was also on that list or he’s never gonna hear the end of the garage door thing.

8. Former Texas Governor Rick Perry announced on Thursday that he will pursue the Republican presidential nomination again in 2016. Because if his failed presidential run just four years ago, his college GPA and his general way of speaking prove anything, it’s that Rick Perry is not a quick learner.

9. Former Representative Mel Watt acknowledged this week that “someone” told him about former House Speaker Dennis Hastert’s alleged abuse more than 15 years ago while the two were both members of Congress. Thanks for the heads-up Mel, you know when it would have been a better time to bring this up, 15 years ago!!!

10. Yesterday it was reported that New England Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski, as well as his father and four brothers, will appear on an upcoming episode of Family Feud. Marking the first time a story about an NFL player that contains the words ‘family’ and ‘feud’ didn’t end with domestic violence charges.

11. Yesterday it was reported that New England Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski, as well as his father and four brothers, will appear on an upcoming episode of Family Feud. Not to be outdone, the Duggar family will appear on an upcoming episode of I’ve Got a Secret.

12. In a recent speech, Jeb Bush said that he has learned from his brother’s successes. By which I assume he means, get dad to buy Florida in the election.

13. A new brand of whiskey is for sale called Whiskey by X, which features flavors inspired by porn stars. So far the top selling flavor is none. Yeah, turns out, no one wants to buy porn liquor.

14. A Florida man walked 1,142 miles from Tampa to New York City to attend a Yankees game. Said the man, “There’s nothing like booing A-Rod in person.”

15. Spanish restaurant El Celler de Con Roca regained its titled as the world’s best restaurant on Monday. While the title for the world’s worst restaurant went to Guy Fierr’s (fill in the blank).

16. 92-year-old Harriette Thompson became the oldest person to ever finish a marathon. “Ah, fuck,” said the guy who finished after her.

17. Chester Hanks, a.k.a. rapper Chet Haze, son of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, is under fire for a series of Instagram posts in which he defends his use of the n-word. Proving it doesn’t take 19 kids to have one dud.