10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Delta Airlines is experimenting with pre-loading carry-on bagage to speed up the boarding process. It’s all part of Delta’s plan to find a way to lose your carry-on bags too.

2. A 90-year-old man in Illinois backed his car through his garage door on purpose because it was the last thing on his bucket list. Hopefully “attend wife’s funeral” was also on that list or he’s never gonna hear the end of the garage door thing.

3. United Airlines apologized yesterday after a flight attendant’s refusal to give an unopened can of soda to a female Muslim passenger sparked a media outrage. Said United, “We’re sorry, we don’t know how she even got on the plane to begin with.”

4. Yesterday it was reported that New England Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski, as well as his father and four brothers, will appear on an upcoming episode of Family Feud. Which I assume will set the record for the most times the phrase “Top 100 answers are still on the board” is uttered.

5. Researchers in the U.K. are designing a cane with a camera and facial recognition software that allows the visually impaired to recognize people from up to 32 feet away. Up until this point, the most advanced technology in the field were seeking-eye dogs that barked at black people.

6. The Grateful Dead are putting out an 80-disc live performance compilation. Thus giving Grateful Dead fans 80 opportunities to make a bong out of a CD.

7. Archaeologists have discovered a slave ship that sunk off the coast of Cape Town over 200 years ago. Experts believe the ship hit an unseen rock right after a slave chained-up in the ship’s hold asked “How could things get any worse?”

8. In an interview with ‘GQ’ magazine, actor Vince Vaughn said he supports guns in all schools to prevent mass shootings. And anyone who’s been forced to sit through ‘Couples Retreat’ or ‘The Internship’ knows the feeling of not having a gun when you really need one.

9. According to reports, former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was paying a former student to keep quiet about allegations of sexual abuse from the time Hastert was a teacher and wrestling coach at an Illinois high school. Which is weird, because that school didn’t even have a wrestling team.

10. Over the weekend, the earthquake thriller “San Andreas” took first place in the box office raking in over $53 million. The last high-profile movie that revolved a disaster was any Charlie Sheen film.

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