April 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two women, with the help of a psychic medium, tried to have sex with a ghost. That story again, Hugh Hefner has two new girlfriends.

2. On Friday, Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant signed a bill that enables religious worshipers to carry guns into the churches. Said one church-goer, “No, peace be with you, motherfucker!”

3. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump revealed on Thursday that his favorite bible verse is “an eye for an eye.” Which explains this picture:

4. President Obama and first lady Michelle Obama released their tax returns on Friday showing they made $436,065 in 2015. Or, as Hillary Clinton thinks of it, two Wall Street speeches.

5. McDonald’s Chief Executive Steve Easterbrook received a 368% raise in 2015. “Wow, that’s almost double!” said McDonald’s employees.

6. On Saturday, Pope Francis visited a Syrian refugee camp in Greece and brought 12 refugees home with him. ”Ugh, I just sent him there to pick up two refugees. He had a list!” said the Pope’s wife.

7. Actors Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson and Kevin Hart are reportedly in talks to star in a reboot of “Jumanii.” It will be perfect for anyone who loved “Jumanji” but always wished it was less watchable.

8. In a candid interview with many revelations, Monica Lewkinsky opened up about her affair with President Clinton saying “the shame sticks to you like tar.” Although, the most interesting revelation in the article is that Lewinsky’s go to 3-letter work for a stick substance is ‘tar.’

9. It was announced over the weekend that NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is now an electronic dance music artist and is set to release his first techno song this May. Okay, now I’m on board with arresting him.

10. Pepper, an ‘emotional’ humanoid robot has enrolled in a high school in Japan, becoming the first ever robot to ‘study’ alongside human students. Pepper has become so good at becoming a high school student that he already has a girlfriend, it’s a toaster, but she goes to a different school so you don’t know her.

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