April 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Judaism’s Conservative movement has lifted a ban in place since the 13th century prohibiting Jews from eating rice during Passover. Said Jews, “Any new developments on bacon?”

2. Sunday night, the Tennessee Titans’s movie night, in which fans were allowed on the field to watch a film on the stadium’s Jumbo-tron, was interrupted when the sprinklers suddenly turned on. Fans stayed on the field and got soaked because, much like the Titans themselves, they didn’t know where the end zones were.

3. On Friday, the State University of New York at Buffalo admitted that it had sent out 5,109 acceptance letters in error. “Oh, thank god,” said those who were accepted.

4. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders appeared on stage at the Coachella music festival in California on Saturday. Either that or Michael Bolton has really let himself go.

5. On Monday, Hillary Clinton told a black radio host that she always carries hot sauce in her purse. Asked why, Clinton said, “Because her purse can’t fit a watermelon.”

6. Authorities in China have launched an investigation after a report that hundreds of children attending a school built near a polluted site developed health problems. “Since when did you care about the health of Chinese kids?” said the five-years-old working in the Apple plant.

7. According to their tax returns, President Barack Obama and his wife Michelle donated less to charities in 2015 than previous years. But most of that dip in charitable contributions can be attributed to no longer giving Joe Biden a weekly allowance.

8. During their family town hall event on CNN last week, Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that their daughters’ want Taylor Swift to be their first guest to visit the White House. “Ditto,” said Bill Clinton.

9. During their family town hall event on CNN last week, Ted Cruz revealed that his daughters play a game with him called attack the daddy. During which his daughters attack other men and pray to god they are their real daddy.

10. Last week, HP unveiled the world’s thinnest laptop. Whereupon Harrison Ford immediately married it.

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