1. Before Ted Cruz was a senator he defended a law that would have banned the sale of dildos. The use of fake dicks offended him because he is such a genuine dick.
2. Wednesday night CNN hosted a town hall with Donald Trump and his family. Trump said he was happy to be surrounded by loved ones, so I guess there were also mirrors on stage.
3. An Iowa man was arrested over the weekend for masturbating for three hours while riding a bus. His fellow passengers on the city bus said the scene was so gross they could barely masturbate themselves.
4. Yesterday, U2 lead singer Bono told the U.S. Senate that he thinks they should combat ISIS with comedy by sending Amy Schumer, Chris Rock and Sasha Baron Cohen to the Middle East. Which, is not surprising, because as any iTunes user will tell you, Bono has a history of sending things to people who don’t want them.
5. An Ohio man paralyzed in an accident is now able to use his hand to play guitar and pick up a bottle thanks to a small computer chip implanted in his brain. The man celebrated by grabbing a bottle of lotion and kicking everyone out of the room.
6. According to a new book, Kris Jenner spent years begging Bruce, now Caitlyn, Jenner to pray away his desire for a sex change. Proving, much like the Kardashians themselves, pray doesn’t work.
7. Authorities in Iowa said a woman wanted for a probation violation was found inside her home, hiding in her oven. Said the woman’s husband, “Oh, so she does know where the oven is.”
8. Donald Trump’s kids Eric and Ivanka will be unable to vote for their dad in today’s New York primary because they missed the state’s voter registration deadline. While his other kids will be unable to vote for their dad because they listened to his speeches.
9. Someone is trying to sell an amphibious Lamborghini on eBay for over $26,000. Because you’re penis doesn’t stop being small just because you’re no longer on land.
10. A Miami father was given five months probation for allowing his 16-year-old daughter to repeatedly dance at a local strip club. But how good of a stripper could she really be if her father is still in her life?