October 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, Republican front-runners Donald Trump and Ben Carson threatened to boycott CNBC’s upcoming debate if they don’t agree to their demands that the debate contain both opening and closing statements and not last longer than 120 minutes. “There’s another debate, why is this the first I’m hearing of it?” said Bobby Jindal.

2. Wayne Simmons, a recurring guest on FoxNews who claimed to have 27 years of experience with the CIA, was arrested Thursday after being indicted on charges that he lied about his service. “Wait, you can be arrested for lying on tv?” said everyone else at FoxNews.

3. This week, opposition lawmakers released tear gas in Kosovo’s parliament to protest a EU-brokered accord with Serbia. There hasn’t been that much crying in a legislative body since John Boehner gave a speech on anything.

4. U.S. Republican presidential candidate Bobby Jindal raised only $579,438 in the latest quarter. Even worse, $500,000 of it came from Donald Trump because he thinks it’s funny.

5. According to media reports on Thursday, Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie raised $4.2 million in the latest quarter. It would have been a lot more but apparently election officials don’t count Burger King bucks.

6. Danish zoo staff dissected a nine-month-old lion cub in front of an audience of enthralled young children on Thursday. An experience those lucky kids will be able to revisit in their nightmares forever.

7. A customer at an Oregon Subway restaurant found a dead mouse in his sandwich. But, in the restaurant’s defense, it is called Subway.

8. The first Democratic presidential debate, which was held Tuesday night, was sponsored by Facebook. Which explains why Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders were centerstage and Martin O’Malley, Jim Webb and Lincoln Chafee were off to the right under a banner reading “People You May Know.”

9. A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits. So tip to Starbucks baristas everywhere, make sure to get those people’s names right.

10. New Jersey Transit kicked off a campaign on Wednesday to stop loud phone conversations on its system by distributing postcards featuring a caricature of a woman gabbing loudly on her cellphone. The subways are still loud, but, at least now, they are covered with discarded postcards.

11. On Monday, the New York Times reported that ‘Playboy’ will no longer publish nude photographs of women. “Did they say anything about ‘Playgirl?’” said Ryan Seacrest.

12. Last week, Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said the Holocaust could have been avoided if Eastern European Jews had guns. The statement was part of Carson’s plan to make the other things he says look less crazy by comparison.

13. Thousands of people gathered in front of the U.S. Capitol on Saturday to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the Million Man March on Washington. In 20 years we’ve gone from a million to a thousand marchers or, as George Zimmerman puts it, progress.

14. An entrepreneur has come out with a new line of condoms named after the phrase “Netflix and chill.” Because, much like the movie streaming company from which it takes its name, you’re gonna need to get your girlfriend’s password to use either.

15. Bill Cosby testified under oath for about seven hours on Friday in response to a civil suit brought by a woman claiming that the comedian raped her years ago/ Said the prosecuting lawyer, “That’s weird, I only remember four hours of the deposition.”

16. A Boston-area man is offering to ship a box full of autumn foliage to your doorstep for $19.99. It’s an easy way to see if anyone is stupider than he is.

17. It was announced yesterday that Conan O’Brien will film an upcoming episode of his late night talk show in Armenia. O’Brien apparently wanted to go some place harder to find than TBS.

18. Sam Brakeley and Steph Reighart defeated 30 other couples on Saturday to win the 16th annual North American Wife Carrying Championship. Unsurprisingly, coming in last place, King Latifah.

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