October 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. At a campaign event this week, Donald trump asked a young man who appeared to be Asian-American if he was from South Korea, to which the man replied “I was born in Texas.” To which Trump replied, “I didn’t know there was a Texas in South Korea.”

2. A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits. Especially if they order it “black, like my soul.”

3. Boeing says it’s created the lightest metal ever, a microlattice material which it describes as 99.99% air. Here’s a look at a new plane designed with this space-age material:
PaperAirplane

4. Tuesday’s Democratic presidential debate on CNN attracted a record 15.3 million viewers. Which is impressive until you realize that the Republican presidential debate had more people than that on stage.

5. Iowa man John Cisna, who says he lost 60 pounds on a regimen of McDonald’s foods, has sparked outrage among public health advocates for taking his story to U.S. schools on the fast-food chain’s dime. Haven’t we learned anything from Jared, maybe we shouldn’t let this guy around schools.

6. Reality TV show star Abby Lee Miller has been indicted on federal charges for concealing income she earned on “Dance Moms.” But, in Miller’s defense, it was the perfect plan until someone decided to start watching that show.

7. A Manhattan restaurant group said on Wednesday it will take the potentially revolutionary step in of eliminating tipping. “Way ahead of you,” said restaurants in Harlem.

8. Britain’s top court said on Wednesday, two women who claimed their ex-husbands tricked them into accepting smaller divorce settlements should have their cases re-examined to see if they should get more money. Said the ex-husbands, “Or you can take what’s behind door number 2!”

9. On Tuesday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said his country’s involvement in Syria is helping protect the world. Of course, it didn’t help his cause that when he said that he was stroking a white cat and laughing maniacally.

10. A Japanese company has invented a device that fits into a customer’s underwear, track the user’s bowel movements and lets them know ahead of time when they will need to use the restroom. And, if you eat lunch at Taco Bell, the device just explodes.

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