January 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A woman in China has been arrested after she cut off her husband’s penis, followed him to the hospital and then cut it off a second time after it was reattached by doctors. Said the husband, “A little late on the arrest there, guys.”

2. The Pinellas County Sheriff’s office in Florida had to send back a rug bearing the department’s seal because it contained the typo “In Dog We Trust” instead of “In God We Trust.” But, since this is Florida, technically both would have been typos.

3. The latest cover of “In Touch” magazine features a photo of Bruce Jenner photoshopped to look like a woman. “That’s awful, I want the public to know I had absolutely nothing to do with this,” said photoshop.

4. Yesterday, Oscar nominations were announced and, according to reactions on social media, the biggest snubs were “Selma” and “The Lego Movie.” Which marks the first time fans of either movie had anything in common.

5. Yesterday, nominations for the 87th Academy Awards were announced and all the actors nominated in the four acting categories were white. Even worse, it was announced that Benedict Cumberbatch is receiving a lifetime achievement trophy at this year’s BET Awards.

6. Yesterday, National Champion Ohio State quarterback Cardale Jones decided against making the jump to the NFL. Jones chose to stay in school after learning the Jets had a high draft pick.

7. Seattle Mayor Ed Murray submitted legislation this week seeking approval of three new tent cities for the city’s homeless population. But don’t give Murray too much credit, he wants the tents to be set up in Portland.

8. Yesterday was Pitbull’s 34th birthday. Hopefully thats in dog years and this nightmare that he calls a career will be over soon.

9. According to a recent study, women who smoke cigarettes are just as likely as men to develop potentially fatal aneurysms in the main artery of their heart. So congratulations ladies, way to break through that glass ceiling.

10. The President of Russia’s Athletics Federation, Valentin Balakhichev, said on Thursday that doping will be eliminated from all Russian athletics in the near future. “So you don’t need a third baseman?” said A-Rod.

11. After canceling the school’s football program, the president of the University of Alabama at Birmingham received a no-confidence vote from the school’s Faculty Senate on Thursday. “Welcome to the club,” said Obama.

12. Singer Chris Brown’s probation was revoked on Thursday when a judge found he should not have left Los Angeles county to perform in San Jose without the court’s permission. “It was my fault, Your Honor,” said San Jose, sporting a fresh black-eye.

13. Archaeologists conducting a survey in Great Basin National Park in Nevada stumbled upon and recovered a 132-year-old Winchester rifle propped up against a tree. “Not so tough without your gun,” said the other trees.

14. A 47-year-old Australian man dressed as a Star Wars storm trooper was attacked by a deadly snake that tried and failed to bite through his costume. Even better news, technically, now he’s had his first kiss.

15. On Thursday, an 8-foot alligator was found in the backyard of a suburban Los Angeles home where the reptile had been living illegally since the 1970s. When news got out that the gator had been illegally living in California for over forty years, it was immediately named the national animal of Mexico.

16. Tanzania has banned witch doctors in a bid to curb a rising wave of attacks on albinos whose body parts are prized for witchcraft. Said witch doctors, “First Obamacare, now this.”

17. According to court documents, John Boehner’s former bartender once made plans to slip poison into the House Speaker’s drink. The bartender ultimately decided not to go with through his plan because he thought, from Boehner’s appearance, that he was already dying of jaundice.

18. “Transformers: Age of Extinction” led all movies with seven Razzie Award nominations, including worst picture, screenplay and director. “Transformers” was able to nabbed so many nominations because “the Wedding Ringer” isn’t eligible until next year.

19. According to a report, at least 50 soccer clubs around the world would be adversely affected if the 2022 World Cup in Qatar was held in November instead of June. Said Americans, “Where is Qatar and what is soccer?”

20. Tiger Woods will make his season debut at this month’s Waste Management Phoenix Open. Woods said he wasn’t planning on playing in the Waste Management Open, but thought it was a good idea since he will be playing in the Taco Bell Open the week before.

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