January 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A recent Delta flight from Cleveland to New York took off with just two passengers. Yet somehow when the second passenger got on board all the overhead compartments were already full.

2. The Milwaukee Brewers are offering fans the chance to buy a $1,000 “Timeless Ticket” redeemable to attend any game in the future. The only downside, it has to be a Brewers game.

3. According to reports, Mitt Romney is purportedly putting his 2012 election team back together. Said his former campaign manager, “I’m so happy I didn’t throw out these binders full of women.”

4. On Tuesday, Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim became the largest shareholder of the New York Times. Slim said he intends to leave the newspaper largely unchanged except from now on the Accent section will just be him reading the front page.

5. According to new research, abuse of opiate-based prescription painkillers such as oxycodine and morphine are on the decline in the U.S. “You’re welcome,” said meth.

6. The New York Jets’ announcement that it had hired former Arizona Cardinals defensive coordinator Todd Bowles as its next head coach was met with a less than enthusiastic response yesterday. Yet no one was more disappointed in the news than Todd Bowles.

7. Yesterday, President Obama called Urban Meyer to congratulate the Ohio State head coach on his team’s upset victory over Oregon in the first College Football Playoff Championship. Said Barack, “Urban, I know what it’s like to be an underdog who critics say can’t possibly live up to the hype, but what’s it like to actually follow through?”

8. Volunteers are searching a wooded area north of Seattle for a missing wallaby who bounded away from its crate during a transfer to a local petting zoo last week. But, if it’s anything like Seattle’s last residents who were fond of jumping and went missing, it will turn up in Oklahoma City.

9. Yesterday, the GOP announced that it will choose a presidential candidate in July of 2016, a full month before it traditionally decided. Republican leaders said they needed the extra time to reenforce the convention stage in case Christie gets the nomination.

10. Little-known American golfer Bhavik Patel has been banned by the PGA Tour after violating its anti-doping policy on the use of performance enhancing substances. Tour officials became suspicious of Patel when his golf ball exploded upon impact.

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