October 6, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. During a question and answer session at Harvard, Joe Biden said being Vice President can be “a bitch.” But if you ask me, that’s just Biden wanting to be President and trying to convince Hillary she’d be a better fit for VP.

2. Former Secret Service Chief Julia Pearson reportedly said that the agency needs to be more like Disney World when it comes to protecting the President. So I guess the new plan is to surround Obama with all the people who held the position before him, call it “the Hall of Presidents” and bore the intruders to death.

3. In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin said Ukraine has always been and would continue to be the closet sister nation to Russia. And just like a sister, Putin is insisting that they have the same name.

4. A new study has found that Viagra can cause blindness in 1 out of 50 men. And, depending on who you’re married to, that could also help with the problem.

5. On Saturday, U.S. disease-control agents removed a sick passenger from a United Airlines jet that landed in Newark, New Jersey, but federal health officials later ruled out the possibility of Ebola. Officials now believe that it was just normal naseau associated with arriving in New Jersey.

6. The National Football League will being testing for human growth hormone starting today. And, in related news, the NFL has been cancelled.

7. Last night, New England Patriot Tom Brady became only the sixth quarterback in NFL history to throw for over 50,000 career passing yards. Brady proves what you can do when you work hard, believe in yourself and play the Jets twice a year.

8. A beef processing plant in Texas has recalled over 90,000 pounds of ground beef after consumers complained about finding pieces of metal inside the meat. “If people start caring about what’s in their meat, we’re screwed,” said hotdog makers.

9. A new policy from the American Academy of Pediatrics advises that teenagers should use implanted forms of birth rather than the pill. The APP suggests using such implanted devices like a diaphragm, the NuvaRing or a mousetrap.

10. A Nebraska hospital is preparing for the expected arrival of an Ebola patient who contracted the disease in Liberia. They are preparing by locking all their doors and getting the hell out of town.

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