February 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. During his speech on Friday, President Trump called for an end to the media’s use of unnamed sources. But, in the media’s defense, sometimes things do a lot worse when you attach a name to them:

2. According to a new poll, 1 out of 3 Americans would move to a different planet to escape U.S. politics. And, according to the same survey, 1 out of 1 Slovenians would too:

3. Saturday evening, President Trump tweeted that he will not attend this year’s annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Which is odd because, I’m guessing, he hasn’t missed many dinners:

4. According to a report, nearly 2,000 appointed positions in the administration of President Donald Trump still remain vacant. Unfortunately, one of them is not president.

5. According to reports, Barack and Michelle Obama turned down an offer to compete on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ Which, unfortunately means, neither Barack or Michelle can ever be the Secretary of Energy:

6. A South Korean developer has produced the world’s first Braille smartwatch for the blind. Because even the blind don’t want to be seen wearing an Apple Watch.

7. A man in Florida claims his pet dog accidentally shot his sleeping girlfriend after leaping on his gun. Although, I don’t know how much of an accident it was, since right before, the dog said, “No, no, no, now you beg.”

8. During his speech at CPAC on Friday, President Trump ripped the media’s anonymous sources, saying, “Let them say it to my face.” “I thought I was,” said one source talking to a rotting pumpkin.

9. Scientists in London have trained bumblebees to do a job by bribing them with a sugary treat. So there’s still hope that someone will be able to train this WASP to do her job:

10. A Republican state senator in Arkansas has introduced legislation aimed at removing the Clinton name from Little Rock’s Bill and Hillary Clinton National Airport. “While you’re at it, can you take my name off of that shit-hole too,” said Fiorello LaGuardia.

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