10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. More than a million penguins have travelled to Argentina’s Punta Tombo peninsula during this year’s breeding season due to an unusual abundance of small fish. Although, it seems like some might have ulterior motives:
penguins

2. A businessman travelled around Scotland to register the births of 26 non-existent babies as part of a benefit fraud scheme. Authorities became suspicious when they realized he wasn’t in the NBA.

3. Yesterday, Ivanka Trump took her 5-year-old daughter to see the Supreme Court in action. Which is smart, better see it before Grandpa has it demolished and replaced with a statue of himself.

4. A state senator in North Dakota has written a bill that seeks a two-year ban on all wind power development. Begging the question, how was this not Trump’s first executive order?:
trump hair

5. A woman, who is a self-proclaimed spiritual teacher, life coach, reiki and crystal healer, has launched a crowd-funding effort in the hopes of raising $10,000 to fund her “spiritual journey around the world.” Which is a tough sell because “around” implies that she’s coming back.

6. On Wednesday, a 26-year-old former nursing home employee in Ohio was arrested after she reportedly gave a 100-year-old male resident a lap dance. Which explains why grandpa didn’t have any singles to put in your birthday card this year.

7. According to experts, life expectancy in the U.S. is so low that it is now projected to be on par with Mexico by 2030. “We’re gonna live as long as people in Mexico, that’s great news!” said people living in Chicago.

8. A 330 pound teen in Texas lost over half his body weight to get revenge on his school bullies. So let that be a lesson to you kids, bullying works!

9. On a recent trip to Cambodia, Angelina Jolie and her children were spotted eating cooked tarantulas, crickets, and other bugs. Said the kids, “We want to live with Brad.”

10. Russian officials are reportedly compiling a psychological dossier on President Donald Trump for Russian President Vladimir Putin ahead of their first meeting. Much like Trump himself, the dossier will self-destruct.

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