February 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday President Trump said he hasn’t called Russia in ten years. Although I assume by ‘Russia’ he means ‘Tiffany.’

2. There was a mixup during Sunday night’s Oscar ceremony, that resulted in the statuette for Best Picture being taken away from ‘La La Land’ after it was already awarded to them. ”They can do that!?!?” asked a panicky Adrien Brody.

3. During Sunday night’s Academy Awards, Mahershala Ali took home the trophy for Best Supporting Actor for his role in ‘Moonlight’ becoming the first Muslim actor to win an Oscar. Which, I assume, means no one won this year’s White House Oscar pool.

4. ABC’s Sunday night broadcast of the Academy Awards hosted by Jimmy Kimmel drew the smallest audience since 2008. The only thing that drew less of an audience were the movies nominated for Best Picture.

5. President Donald Trump told several chief executives of large insurance companies on Monday that 2017 will be a “catastrophic” year for the Affordable Care Act. Although he probably didn’t need to add “for the Affordable Care Act” at the end of that sentence.

6. This week in England, fans of Crystal Palace Football Club inadvertently vandalized their own team’s bus thinking it was the bus of Middlesbrough, prior to a soccer match between the two rivals. And, if I know anything about embarrassing episodes on buses, I’m sure that it was somehow Billy Bush’s fault.

7. On Monday, a political website posted a photo of Robbie Gatti, a candidate for the Louisiana House of Representatives, in black face. And, in related news, Donald Trump has named Robbie Gatti Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

8. A woman in Turkey has built a ‘cat ladder’ leading into her home that strays can use when it’s cold outside. It also serves as an escape ladder for any man who somehow finds himself in that home.

9. A Dutch woman approaching her 100th birthday persuaded local police to “arrest” her so she could check off an item on her bucket list. She was given a 48-hour sentence, or more accurately, a life sentence.

10. In a new interview, President Trump blamed the Academy Awards’ best picture mix-up on what he said was Hollywood’s misguided focus on politics. That story again, the host of a reality tv show said the entertainment industry should stay out of politics.

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