March 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new dating app named “Sizzl” that allows single people who love bacon to meet. So it’s basically the exact opposite of J-Date.

2. Yesterday, Alex Rodriguez announced that he’ll retire once his current contract with the New York Yankees expires after the 2017 MLB season. After which he’ll undoubtedly spend more time at home with his loved ones:

3. A professional marks-woman on YouTube has posted an Easter-themed video where she tests a bulletproof vest made out of Peeps. So, yeah, Jesus is probably not coming back this year either.

4. To celebrate actress Reese Witherspoon’s 40th birthday, comedian and friend Chelsea Handler stripped down to her birthday suit. Then everyone at the party immediately blew out the candles so there was less light in the room.

5. On Wednesday, artist Tracey Emin announced that she is marrying a rock. “I give it 3 million years,” said a geologist.

6. Alabama lawmakers are considering a bill that would require teachers to undergo training on not having sex with their students. Said teachers in Alabama, “But what if we’re related?”

7. Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Ted Cruz turned to Twitter to defend their wives’ honor after a Super PAC put out an ad featuring Trump’s wife nude and Trump threatened to “spill the beans” on Cruz’s wife. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the old days when the political discourse was more civil and Trump was just talking about the size of his dick.

8. On Tuesday, U.S. District Judge Fernando Olguin dismissed former Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling’s lawsuit accusing the National Basketball Association of antitrust violations for forcing him to sell the franchise in 2014. Said Sterling, “I knew I was screwed when the bailiff said ‘All rise for Judge Fernando.’”

9. Yesterday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said he is hoping to play a regular season game in China sometime in the next few years. Thus giving the Browns the chance to get one step closer to their goal of losing a game on every continent.

10. The Rolling Stones have taken to YouTube to welcome Cubans to their free concert on Friday, although few are likely to see the video since most people on the state-controlled island don’t have internet access. Although, to be fair, most Rolling Stone fans don’t know how to access the internet anyway.

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