March 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, President Obama made an historic trip to the island Cuba. Obama called the communist country “still out of step with modern society,” while Bernie Sanders called it “perfect.”

2. On Monday, Apple revealed a new, smaller iPhone. But, to be fair, it still looks huge in Donald Trump’s tiny hands.

3. On Monday, NBA superstar LeBron James unfollowed the Cavaliers official Twitter account stirring up speculation that he is unhappy in Cleveland. “Yeah, join the club,” said everyone else in Cleveland.

4. Yesterday, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, who does not have a law degree, signed a deal with a production company to star a judge in a reality court show. Palin went from a vastly under-qualified politician to a reality star, or, as it’s more commonly known, the reverse-Trump.

5. Carnival Cruise Lines announced Monday that Cuban authorities will allow it to operate cruises to and from the country starting in May. Said Cubans, “We don’t want to get off this island that badly.”

6. One year after it was introduced, Apple dropped the price of its Apple Watch this month to $299. “Still no,” said consumers.

7. According to a report, more than 800,000 Americans have regained their right to vote after multiple states have eased restrictions on felons casting ballots over the past few years. Which explains why yesterday Ted Cruz got a face tattoo.

8. Researchers in Australia have developed a new nanotechnology that allows clothes to clean themselves in the sun. Yet, when I do that to myself, I’m “scaring the neighbor’s kids.”

9. Police in Alabama discovered a man transporting two pounds of marijuana in a what he claimed to be “an anniversary gift.” Authorities became suspicious when a man carrying that much weed claimed to remember his anniversary.

10. According to a new study, one out of every twelve people would rather break an arm than do their taxes. “I only wish I had more than two arms to break,” said Wesley Snipes.

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