March 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Microsoft’s so-called chatbot that uses artificial intelligence to engage with millennials on Twitter, lasted less than a day before it was hobbled by a barrage of racist and sexist comments by Twitter users that it parroted back to them. Microsoft decided to shut down chatbot as opposed to its other option, have it run for president.

2. A rapper associated with the Wu Tang Clan has sued TMZ for incorrectly reporting two years ago that he severed his own penis and jumped out of a second-floor window. Said the rapper, “It was a third-floor window.”

3. A man was arrested in North Carolina on Thursday for renting a VHS tape of the movie “Freddie Got Fingered” fourteen years ago and never returning it. But, in the man’s defense, after watching the film he just assumed the store didn’t want it back.

4. A man was arrested in North Carolina on Thursday for renting a VHS tape of the movie “Freddie Got Fingered” fourteen years ago and never returning it. Ironically, now that he’s in jail, the man will soon have something in common with Freddie.

5. A new matchmaking services called Smell Dating has opened in New York which allows single people to pick out their perfect match by smelling the dirty T-shirts of potential dates. Which seems like a terrible idea because I’ve lived in New York City for ten years and never once thought, “Oh, that’s an interesting smell, I’d like to know more about it.”

6. Yesterday, Alex Rodriguez announced that he’ll retire once his current contract with the New York Yankees expires after the 2017 MLB season. Which means, in just two short years, there will be some young Yankees fans who never got the opportunity to shout at A-Rod that he’s gay.

7. A professional marks-woman on YouTube has posted an Easter-themed video where she tests a bulletproof vest made out of Peeps. That story again, a slightly-used, non-bulletproof vest made out of Peeps and a bunch of guns are now for sale.

8. According to reports, Yankee great Derek Jeter has herpes. Which is just further proof that you should always wear a helmet when rounding the bases and heading for home.

9. A young lady in Britain who dresses up as Elsa from the Disney movie “Frozen” for children’s birthday parties also works as a call-girl at night. So god I hope that’s cupcake frosting on her dress.

10. A young lady in Britain who dresses up as Elsa from the Disney movie “Frozen” for children’s birthday parties also works as a call-girl at night. Said the birthday girl’s father, “On second thought, you don’t look familiar.”

11. According to a new survey, lots of ordinary people are into sex with a dash of voyeurism, fetishism and masochism, all habits classified as deviant in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Or, as it is known to those who took the survey, the Big Book of Ideas.

12. On Thursday, Piotr Lobodzinski of Poland won the Eiffel Tower race, running up the 1,665 steps of the Paris landmark in just 7 minutes and 48 seconds. And leave it up to a Polish guy to not realize there’s a elevator.

13. Last week, Madonna showed up over two hours late to her concert in Australia and then brought a 17-year-old fan on stage and pulled down the girl’s top to reveal one of her breasts. And you thought your grandmother was embarrassing.

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