August 7, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, the National Weather Service predicted a below-average 2015 hurricane season. So George W. Bush will just have to find a new way to not care about black people.

2. Actors Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux got married on Wednesday in an intimate ceremony at their California home. “You know, I never noticed it before, but that Justin kid is pretty cute,” said Angelina.

3. Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum told CNN on Thursday that Planned Parenthood should be defunded because they are “doing barbaric things.” Begging the question, why are we still talking to Rick Santorum?

4. On Thursday, presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty compared Donald Trump to a tornado. Which Trump took as a compliment and Trump’s hair took as a threat.

5. Yesterday, the Democratic party announced that it will hold its first primary debate on October 13th. “Looks like my schedule is wide open,” said Lincoln Chaffee, Martin O’Malley, Jim Webb and whichever other eventual loser I forgot.

6. Singer Taylor Swift may be forced to remove her T.S. 1989 clothing line from the Chinese market because consumers are confusing it with the tragedy that occurred at Tiananmen Square in 1989. “I really wish I had heard about this earlier,” said 14-year-old fashion designer Warren Todd Comers.

7. Yesterday, Carly Fiorina, Jim Gilmore, Lindsey Graham, Bobby Jindal, George Pataki, Rick Perry and Rick Santorum, the seven Republican presidential candidates who did not qualify for last night’s primetime debate, squared off earlier in the day at Cleveland’s Quicken Loans Arena. That afternoon’s debate set the record for the saddest event to ever take place at the Quicken Loans Arena, and, keep in mind, that’s where the Cavs have played for the past 21 years.

8. U.S. Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell on Thursday rejected President Obama’s Iran deal, saying it was “absurd” to argue that lawmakers must choose between the agreement and going to war. McConnell said he missed the days of President Bush when we weren’t even given a choice.

9. According to a new poll, a basic knowledge of health and exercise still evades most Americans. The study was conducted by looking at people.

10. This week, a prisoner escaped from a Norwegian island jail on a surf board, using a plastic shovel to paddle to the mainland. And, what’s even crazier, that is, at best, only the third most interesting prison break story this year.

11. According to a new study, people with easier to pronounce names often have higher status positions at work. “Yeah, I can see that,” said Barack Hussein Obama, the leader of the free world.

12. According to a report released on Thursday, actor Harrison Ford does not recall the moments before crashing his vintage plane onto a Los Angeles golf course in March. That shocking story again, a 72-year-old guy doesn’t remember some things.

13. Last week, a drone flew over an Ohio prison and dropped a package containing 144.5 grams of tobacco, 65.4 grams of marijuana and 6.6 grams of heroin. Man, Amazon’s got everything.

14. On Sunday, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign fired a staffer after racially charged Facebook posts under his name came to light. Proving you can be hired and fired from the same job for the exact same reason.

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