1. On Thursday, presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty compared Donald Trump to a tornado. Which Trump took as a compliment and Trump’s hair took as a threat.
2. Unfortunately former Texas Governor Rick Perry will not participate in tonight’s Republican presidential debate because he fell outside of the top ten in a recent poll, coming in eleventh. But, on the plus side, Perry finally found out what number comes after ten.
3. This week, a team of researchers demonstrated how to hijack standard equipment inside computers, printers and other devices in order to send information through sound waves. The researchers got the idea to utilize sound waves for malicious purposes while listening to a Kei$ha album.
4. Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, who served as the best man at his friend’s wedding, bought the couple a Greek island as a wedding present. “You know what you’re gonna really need on that island? Some toast!” said the groomsman who bought them a toaster.
5. A new study has found that children who are picky eaters may develop psychological problems, like anxiety and ADHD, later in life. Or maybe you’re just a shitty cook.
6. Tomorrow, a one-legged chicken in Massachusetts will be fitted with a $2,500 prosthetic limb made by a 3D printer. “Hold On! Slow down. Where are these chicken printers?” said Chris Christie.
7. Nancy Lieberman became the second female assistant coach to join a professional basketball staff when she was hired by the Sacramento Kings on Friday. Which is great news for Lieberman and even better news for the Kings that they are still considered a professional basketball team.
8. Addressing Donald Trump’s longevity as a presidential candidate, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said, “Anybody can do well for a month.” “I beg to differ,” said Christie’s nutritionist.
9. A new electronic voting system adopted by the International Olympic Committee to decide the host nation of the 2022 Winter Olympics failed on Friday during the voting process. Officials knew there was a problem when 32% of the vote went to Pat Buchanan
10. Bad weather and a broken speaker disrupted the synchronized swimming world championships on Saturday. Even worse, once the problems were fixed, the competition began again.