August 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Tonight is the first Republican presidential debate. Unsurprisingly, Donald Trump has already declared himself the winner.

2. Unfortunately former Texas Governor Rick Perry will not participate in tonight’s Republican presidential debate because he fell outside of the top ten in a recent poll, coming in eleventh. But, on the plus side, Perry finally found out what number comes after ten.

3. This week, a team of researchers demonstrated how to hijack standard equipment inside computers, printers and other devices in order to send information through sound waves. The researchers got the idea to utilize sound waves for malicious purposes while listening to a Kei$ha album.

4. A South African man has been reunited with his 1988 gray Toyota Corolla twenty-two years after it was stolen. Said the man, “Between finding $5 in my pocket yesterday and this, I have made $10 this week.”

5. Actor Idris Elba became the first man ever to grace the cover of Maxim magazine by himself. Which is really making those men who claim “they buy it for the articles” regret their words.

6. Netflix announced that it is offering up to a year of paid maternity and paternity leave for employees to care for a newborn or newly adopted child. Which means in the future a parent might say the sentence, “Well, we adopted you because mommy needed to catch up on the second season of ‘House of Cards.’”

7. According to a new poll, most Republicans believe Donald Trump will positively influence tonight’s first presidential debate. While a majority of Democrats were to excited to even answer the poll.

8. According to a new study, an experimental vaginal gel could prevent half of all cases of genital herpes. The way it works is your partner asks what the gel is for, you say it’s because you have herpes and then they no longer want to have sex with you.

9. This week, two New York City cops helped deliver a baby when a pregnant woman went into labor on a subway platform. After which, the officers immediately cited the baby for getting on the subway without paying the fare.

10. According to his lawyer, the second American recently accused by the Zimbabwean government of illegally hunting in the African nation wasn’t in Zimbabwe when the incident allegedly took place. Man, that is one powerful gun.

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