February 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Disney announced that it will be launching eight Star Wars themed cruises next year. One of the main selling points is, if the ship finds itself in trouble, all passengers be able to get into a lifeboat immediately as there won’t be any women and children on board to wait for.

2. “NBC Nightly News” aired a segment on its broadcast on Wednesday about the six-month suspension of its anchor Brian Williams. Or, as current anchor of the NBC Nightly News Lester Holt called it, the feel-good story of the year.

3. This week, a delegate at the United Nations warned fellow diplomats of protests being conducted by topless women who throw jars of mayonnaise. And so begins Newt Gingrich’s next letter to Penthouse.

4. “50 Shades of Grey” will be shown on 75 IMAX screens around the nation this weekend. Which is ridiculous, because my girlfriend has assured me on many occasions it’s not about the size of the screen, but the action taking place on it.

5. According to a survey of millennials, nearly 80% say breaking up via text message is never okay. While the remaining 20% are all going out with Lennay Kekua.

6. The last surviving officer of the USS Arizona, the ship that was bombed in the 1941 attack on Pearl Harbor died this week at the age of 100. “Mission Accomplished,” said Japan.

7. A Brazilian soccer club has employed fans’ mothers as security guards hoping it will discourage supporters from fighting. If fights do break out, the moms are trained not to intervene but, instead tell the participants how disappointed they are in them.

8. In a recent conversation, Alex Rodriguez told Barry Bonds that he wants to break the all-time home run record held by Bonds. Said the guy in charge of keeping the records, “I better brush up on my asterisks drawing.”

9. The deputy director of the U.S. Secret Service, A.T. Smith, is leaving his post, the agency said on Monday. andg, if he’s anything like every other Secret Service agent, Smith is most likely abandoning his post to find a hooker.

10. On Friday, the Dalai Lama attended a prayer breakfast held by President Obama in Washington D.C. Said Vice President, “No fair, how come he gets to come to breakfast in his pajamas?”

11. On Saturday, Jamaica celebrated the 70th anniversary of the birth of late reggae legend Bob Marley. Alright, that explains all the pot smoking this weekend in Jamaica, but what about every other weekend, ever, since the beginning of time?

12. Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan donated $75 million to San Francisco General Hospital. Or, more accurately, Mark Zuckerberg donated $75 million and Priscilla was there as well.

13. Harvard University has adopted a new policy prohibiting professors from having sexual relationships with students. Said professors, “Wait, we were allowed to do that before?”

14. Over the weekend, a Florida a woman gave birth to a state record 14 pound baby. Which means yet another Florida state record will be held by someone without any teeth.

15. An advocacy group for the deaf on Thursday sued Harvard University and MIT, saying the schools had violated laws by posting online video recordings for public use that lacked accurate captions. Said the schools, “How do you know the captions weren’t accurate?”

16. Fewer babies were born in Italy in 2014 than in any other year since the modern Italian state was founded in 1861. Experts attribute this to the high cost of raising kids, the increasing effectiveness of modern birth control methods and ugly Italian women.

17. Over the weekend, a man in the UK received a hysterectomy after his physician found a uterus inside him while looking for bladder cancer. Doctors are calling him a medical mystery while Bruce Jenner is calling him lucky.

18. On Tuesday, Jon Stewart, long-time host of “The Daily Show,” announced that he will be stepping down from that position later this year. “I’ll do that too!” said Lester Holt.

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