1. A man and a woman sleeping in a dumpster after a night of drinking at a Florida casino ended up at a hospital after they had to be rescued from a garbage truck. Because I guess that couple needed a little more assurance that they are indeed white trash.
2. Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn conceded on Wednesday that his approach to sex is rougher than most men, as he testified during his trial on aggravated pimping charges. Well, if that’s the case, I think he’s really gonna like jail.
3. Charles Manson, who is 80-years-old, broke off his engagement to his 27-year-old fiancee after he found out that she planned to put his body on display after his death. Said Manson, “I tried to explain to her, as with all my previous relationships, I wasn’t going to be the first one to die.”
4. Yesterday, Samsung warned owners of “SmartTVs,” which come with voice recognition, that every word that is said around the TV is being captured and sent over the internet. “Well, at least someone’s listening,” said you wife.
5. According to a report, “50 Shades of Grey” has sold over 100 million copies since its release. Which makes sense, because that’s not the kind of book you want to buy used.
6. Last week, potential 2016 presidential candidate Jeb Bush said he thinks his brother was a great president. Adding, “Much like the Depression was a Great Depression.”
7. According to reports, China will have more robots operating in its production plants by 2017 than any other country in the world. To make the transition to robot workers seamless, plants will employ robotic children.
8. Pope Francis has ordered that umbrellas forgotten by tourists be distributed to the homeless of Rome to get them through a spate of unseasonably rainy weather. Said the homeless, “Just out of curiosity, did any tourists happen to leave behind a home?”
9. The 50 Shades of Grey movie, which is 125 minutes long, reportedly features 20 minutes worth of sex scenes. Which explains why your aunt called the film “105 minutes too long.”
10. On Saturday, the United States Golf Association said it will launch a U.S. Senior Women’s Open in 2018. But, until then, you’ll have to travel to the Netherlands to see that many old dykes in one place.