February 12, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study suggests that smoking may kill 60,000 to 120,000 more people in the U.S. each year than previously thought. After adjusting the numbers, cigarettes are now responsible for the second most deaths in the U.S. right behind Aaron Hernandez.

2. A new study finds, a year after being hospitalized seniors who enjoyed the arts were only half as likely to attend concerts, films or art exhibits as they had been 10 years earlier. Especially the ones that died in the hospital.

3. Indonesian officials have dropped a plan to require female students to pass virginity tests in order to graduate from high school and apologized after a pyblic backlash. Said officials, “Don’t worry, we’re not gonna let them graduate.”

4. According to a new survey, Pennsylvania residents overwhelmingly support restoring the Joe Paterno statue that once stood outside the football stadium on the Penn State campus. Because there really is no more fitting tribute to the man than something that is in the middle of all the action, sees everything, but is incapable of saying a single word.

5. The Florida cat that crawled out of its grave after a traffic accident is now ensnared in a legal dispute over custody involving its owners and the Humane Society of Tampa Bay. Said the cat, “That’s a tough choice, but I think I’ll go with the people who didn’t bury me alive.”

6. A man and a woman sleeping in a dumpster after a night of drinking at a Florida casino ended up at a hospital after they had to be rescued from a garbage truck. Because I guess that couple needed a little more assurance that they are indeed white trash.

7. A recent study claims that you can tell how many orgasms a woman has had by the way she walks. Which, I guess means Heather Mills is a real freak in the sheets.

8. Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn conceded on Wednesday that his approach to sex is rougher than most men, as he testified during his trial on aggravated pimping charges. Well, if that’s the case, I think he’s really gonna like jail.

9. Kenya has banned the film adaption of best-selling erotic novel “50 Shades of Grey” from its cinemas. Said Kenyan residents, “We don’t want to see an S&M movie, we live in Kenya, every day is torture.”

10. Kanye West will be hosting a special NBA All-Star Game performance today in Manhattan. Or, more accurately, Beck is scheduled to host a special NBA All-Star Game performance today in Manhattan and Kanye’s gonna be nearby.

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