December 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week it was revealed that President-elect Donald Trump will stay on as executive producer of “The Celebrity Apprentice” while he’s in office. Not to be outdone, his lead strategist Steve Bannon will continue to promote the Amazing Race:
bannon

2. President-elect Donald Trump said on Thursday the United States needed to improve its relationship with China. And, to do so, he’s gonna call Taiwan to see if they have any ideas.

3. Last month, 25 voters in Texas cast their presidential ballot for San Antonio Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich. Even crazier, under the electoral college, he somehow won the state.

4. In a new interview, actor Tom Holland said he prepared for his role in the upcoming Spiderman movie by secretly enrolling in a New York high school. If hanging around high schoolers makes you a good Spiderman then this is the role Woody Allen has been preparing for all his life.

5. Over the weekend it was reported that President-elect Donald Trump will name former Exxon-Mobile CEO Rex Tillerson his Secretary of State over more noteworthy candidates like Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani. According to an inside source, Romney was so angry about being passed over that he said “Darn.”

6. Walmart has announced it will be donating the doors from Sam Walton’s first Arkansas store to the Smithsonian Museum in Washington D.C. So at least one thing from Arkansas will make it to D.C. this year:
arkansas

7. Over the weekend, police in Miami raided a coffee shop that was selling cocaine over the counter. So, now if you want to buy cocaine in Miami you’ll have to go literally any place else.

8. Russia has reportedly declined an offer of a gift of a dog from Japan meant for President Vladimir Putin ahead of a summit next week with Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. Said Putin, “I already have a very well trained pet”:
putin-trump

9. The world’s first year-round ice hotel is set to open in Sweden this month. Although, if Trump gets his way on global warming, it definitely won’t be the only one.

10. A mother in Chicago delivered her own baby and credits her ability to do so to watching medical shows on TV. Which can only mean one thing, the Jets don’t watch football on TV.

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