December 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. President-elect Donald Trump could become the first president in 150 years to take up residence at the White House without a pet. That story again, Chris Christie will not be moving into the White House.

2. In a new interview, President-elect Donald Trump said he isn’t sure if he’s going to continue the U.S.’s long standing One China policy. Saying, “What happens if a new, younger China comes along.”
 
3. A black man in Alabama staged a police standoff to propose to his girlfriend. Unfortunately, he had to reach into his pocket for the ring and, long story short, she’s single again.
 
4. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is expected to name Mitt Romney’s niece Ronna Romney McDaniel as the new Republican National Committee chair. Mitt celebrated by drinking a glass of milk and going to sleep by 7:30pm.

5. On Monday, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer hinted that forcing inmates to remain on death row for 40 years may be constitute cruel and unusual punishment. Although, I don’t think the inmates are gonna like the alternative either.

6. A 120-year-old virgin in India is crediting his longevity to his celibacy and dedication to yoga. Let’s just say he’s never saw a need for a partner because the yoga made him very flexible.

7. Last week, a boozed up Romanian man accidentally chopped off his buddy’s penis with a chainsaw as his wife and son watched in horror. The man is being labeled a terrible friend and an even worse mohel.

8. A Chinese state newspaper called President-elect Donald Trump “as ignorant as a child” regarding his approach to Taiwan. No word on whether this is due to Trump’s lack of knowledge on the subject or the size of his hands.
 
9. This week, Teen Vogue published a scathing op-ed directed at Donald Trump. And a not too subtle article directed at Melania:
vogue

10. The RNC is hosting its Christmas party this year at a Donald Trump hotel. I’m assuming because the Kremlin was already booked.

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