October 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. At a rally on Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump mistakenly encouraged his supporters to get out and vote on November 28th, instead of the correct day for the general election, November 8th. Which is not surprising because Trump has a history of forgetting dates:

2. “Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling announced on Thursday that the “Fantastic Beasts” franchise will be a series of five movies, not three as previously reported. Said Rowling, “Mama needs a new boat!”
3. A man in Canada standing trial for rape, is claiming his penis is way too small to have committed the vicious sex crimes he’s accused of and has offered to show his penis to the jury. If successful, Donald Trump is expected to hold up his tiny, baby-like hands as a defense against recent groping allegations.
4. In the wake of Donald Trump’s most recent crisis, major GOP donors are asking the Republican presidential candidate for their money back. Although, from the look of it, I’m guessing he may have already spent it:

5. On Monday, actor Shia LaBeouf livestreamed his Vegas wedding to actress Mia Goth that was presided over by an Elvis impersonator. And, though the stream was free, out of habit, at the end, viewers asked for their money back.

6. A husband in Texas faked his own kidnapping so he could hang out with his buddies. That’s weird, I didn’t know Ryan Lochte was married.

7. A family who bought a local Philadelphia cemetery in 2010 is suing to keep mourners out. And, in their defense, there is still one way to get in there.

8. A company is selling a smart pillow that tracks sleep, vibrates to prevent snoring and streams music. “So let me get this straight, it vibrates and plays Justin Timberlake music?” asked women.

9. Despite constant threats to do so, court records show that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has not sued a newspaper for libel in over thirty years. Although, this headline is really tempting the fates:

10. Yesterday, former congresswoman Michele Bachmann warned Christians that if they don’t vote for Donald Trump, the country will experience a wave of sexual assaults. Which is true because if he’s not in the White House, he’s gonna be out amongst us.

11. On Thursday, a fortune-teller machine featuring an animatronic Donald Trump was spotted at various locations throughout New York City. You can tell it’s not the real Donald because the machine actually reveals its fortunes.

12. A new study has estimated that Pokemon Go players have taken over one hundred billion steps in the past three months. “Unfortunately, the last step is always returning to our basement,” said their parents.

13. Family members ordered a pizza for their 87-year-old grandmother in Florida to make sure she was okay after being unable to reach her by phone after Hurricane Matthew. Which is bullshit, because when I ignore my family’s calls all I get are twenty angry voicemails and a major guilt trip.

14. According to a new study, kids that have an absent parent may be more likely than other children to start drinking and smoking before they reach their teens. Proving that it’s better to come from a two parent home or, in some cases, a no parent home:

15. On Monday, 1,201 married couples gathered at Western Michigan University to renew their vows, breaking a world record. Because if your relationship can survive a trip to western Michigan, it can survive anything.

16. In the wake of her armed robbery, this week, Kim Kardashian said her revamped security team is “ready for a gun battle.” And, I’m begging you, if there is a gun battle, can you please make sure Kourtney and Khloe are there too?
17. Last week, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump visited a class of first graders in Las Vegas. He even partook in an arts and crafts project:

18. In what can only be described as another stumble in a series of political gaffes, Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson couldn’t name North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un. You know, I’m beginning to think this guy’s not qualified to be president.

19. Students at Humboldt State University are protesting a lack of toilet paper on campus. Considering Humboldt isn’t even ranked in the top 500 universities nationally, have they considered using their diplomas?

20. According to a new study, people who wear glasses are smarter than those with perfect vision. But, on the other hand:

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