October 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, a woman in Utah gave birth while checking out inside a local WalMart. The birth took employees by surprise, but, in their defense, you try figuring out which WalMart customers are pregnant:

2. During a town hall Tuesday night, President Obama revealed that once his presidency is over he plans to “sleep for two weeks.” Or, as Dr. Ben Carson refers to it, a light nap.

3. A barber in Michigan gives children a $2 discount if they read a book aloud while they get their haircut. And a $3 discount if they read “50 Shades of Grey” out loud, very slowly.

4. On Tuesday, Arkansas tried to blow up a 93-year-old bridge in Little Rock but failed after the bridge remained standing following the explosion. In response, authorities brought in an expert:

5. In a recently released transcript of an unaired segment of “the Apprentice,” Donald Trump is caught on mic saying a female singer’s skin “sucked” and that “she needs some serious fucking dermatology.” Of course, to Trump, this is what he considers serious dermatology:

6. This week Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he ‘loves’ WikiLeaks. Although, if history is any guide, in a couple of years he’ll find a new, younger website full of classified material that he loves more.

7. Two women accused Donald Trump of inappropriate touching in a story posted on the New York Times website on Wednesday. But, in Trump’s defense, they were in a locker room during the encounter.

8. The Dutch government intends to draft a law that would legalize assisted suicide for people who feel they have “completed life,” but are not necessarily terminally ill. Or, in other words, married.

9. On Wednesday, the Hillary Clinton campaign notified authorities that campaign manager John Podesta’s Twitter account was hacked. While, once again, the Donald Trump campaign notified authorities that, despite recent tweets, Trump’s Twitter account had not been hacked.

10. A married couple who worked at the Australian health department sent themselves over 80,000 fake death threats in an elaborate ploy that scored them hundreds of free paid days off of work. Authorities became suspicious when the couple’s child was kidnapped and the only demand in the ransom note was for “a better dental plan.”

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