November 13, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Kim Kardashian, in conjunction with Paper Magazine, released several racy photos of the reality star with the intent of “breaking the internet.” Said a disinterested internet, “It isn’t anything I haven’t seen before.”

2. An American veterinary group issued guidelines on Wednesday on how to handle pets that may have been exposed to humans with Ebola. Long story short, it ends with you buying a new cat.

3. According to a new study, 65% of women prefer sleeping to sex. While the other 35% aren’t married.

4. A woman in China turned down her boyfriend when he proposed to her using ninety-nine iPhones arranged in a heart. Said the boyfriend, “Now which one of these did I download Tinder on?”

5. Tuesday night, Khloe Kardashian posted a picture to her Instagram account of Kim, Kourtney and herself with the caption “The only KKK to ever let black men in.” “Wait, what?” said Scott Disick.

6. President Obama is receiving criticism for chewing gum while walking and talking with Chinese President Xi Jinping during an international conference in Beijing. Said President Obama, “I just wanted to prove FoxNews wrong.”

7. A Florida man has been sentenced to six months in jail for stockpiling weapons in a compound just eleven miles away from Disney World. Which serves as a friendly reminder that once you leave the Happiest Place on Earth, you’re still in Florida.

8. According to Colorado tax documents released this week, sales of recreational marijuana fell in September for the first time since the state legalized it in January. So, it’s official, you can’t rely on stoners for anything.

9. In a recent interview, Keira Knightley called Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg and Google’s Sergey Brin, who she recently met at a screening of one of her movies, weird guys who wore hoodies and crocs. Said Zuckerberg and Brin, “So she remembers us!”

10. The U.S. agency that operates the National Weather Service said on Wednesday four of its websites were hacked in recent weeks. Their main suspect, El Nino.

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