November 12, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Mountain Dew is reportedly testing a new Doritos-flavored soda. Because apparently we’ve become too lazy to chew.

2. Over the weekend, President Obama said he plans to use his final two years in office to experiment with new ways of communicating more effectively with Republicans. Which, I assume means, he will try using his left hand to give them the finger.

3. Thursday, a man was found on Manhattan’s E-train completely nude and drinking from a bottle of Jack Daniels. I bet he was pretty embarrassed when he got to work and realized it wasn’t casual Friday.

4. During Monday night’s game against the Chicago Bulls, Detroit Pistons center Andre Drummond wore a jersey that accidentally misspelled his last name as “Drummund.” As opposed to the New York Knicks who request to wear jerseys bearing the wrong name so they can remain anonymous.

5. A hospital in the U.K. granted a dying woman’s last wish to see her beloved horse Bronwen one last time be arranging a reunion in the parking lot. Said Bronwen, “So does she become glue now?”

6. Los Angeles Laker Nick Young recently bought singer Selena Gomez’s mansion for $3.45 million. So he should probably get used to 3 a.m., drunk phone calls from Justin Bieber.

7. The Mormon Church has admitted that founder Joseph Smith married about 40 women including a 14-year-old and others who were already the wives of his followers, having maintained for nearly 200 years that he was monogamous. And, if he married a surf, he could use his wives as his something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue for all his subsequent weddings

8. A gold pocket watch made by Patek Philippe for a New York banker in the 1930s fetched $24 million at auction on Tuesday. It was bought by a guy who apparently doesn’t own a cell phone.

9. At an APEC event in Beijing on Monday night, Russian President Vladimir Putin slipped a shawl over the shoulders of Peng Liyuan, the wife of Chinese President Xi Jinping. So it looks like Ukraine isn’t the only territory Putin is trying to invade.

10. A doctor who contracted Ebola was discharged from the hospital yesterday after weeks of isolation treatment for the virus and was cheered by New Yorkers from City Hall to the Harlem apartment building where he lives. Isn’t it funny how sometimes shrieks of horror can sound like cheers?

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