November 14, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Paper Magazine released a picture of Kim Kardashian shooting champagne into a glass balanced on her butt. I haven’t seen that much champagne on that big of ass since A-Rod won the World Series with Yankees in 2009.

2. On Sunday, a six-day search for a missing 12-year-old boy ended when he was found inside an Ikea store. So now he’ll be able to grow up, get married and spend his weekends being trapped in an Ikea again.

3. Police in Prince Albert, Canada are rewarding young people for having positive influences on the community by handing out positive tickets. And, in other news, police in Prince Albert, Canada have way too much time on their hands.

4. Arkansas Governor Mike Beebe said he plans on pardoning his son for a felony drug charge from more than a decade ago. “Any interest in adopting a daughter?” said Lindsay Lohan.

5. Starting next year, the names of religious holidays like Christmas and Hanukkah will no longer appear on the school calendar in Montgomery County, Maryland. As for Kwanzaa, well it was never on the calendar to begin with.

6. In an exclusive interview with “Entertainment Tonight,” Honey Boo Boo’s mother, Mama June, revealed that in addition to her current boyfriend she previously had a different relationship with another sex offender. Shot in the dark, but I’m guessing that guy was into beastiality?

7. On Thursday, House Speaker John Boehner declined to rule out using a government shutdown as a tool to try to block President Obama from taking unilateral action on immigration. Wow Republicans, even the worst employee knows not to talk about vacation days right after getting hired.

8. The New York Times reported on Thursday, that President Obama plans to announce an overhaul of U.S. immigration policy that would shield up to 5 million undocumented immigrants from deportation. Or, in other terms, eight Mexican families.

9. Buddy Valastro, star of TLC’s reality show “Cake Boss,” was arrested on drunken driving charges early Thursday morning in New York City. Valastro was transported to jail whereupon shouts of “Who’s the Cake Boss now?” rang throughout the facility.

10. An Arkansas teenager’s attempt to earn a driver’s license landed him in jail after he was charged with driving to the test site without a license and smashing into a state trooper’s patrol car and a house when trying to flee. Said the teenager, “Yeah, but did you see the three-point turn I made to avoid those spike-strips?”

11. A new study suggests, Swedes who talked on mobile phones for more than 25 years had triple the risk of a certain kind of brain cancer compared to those who used wireless phones for less than a year. So, if you’re gonna use your cell phone for an extended period of time, don’t be Swedish.

12. According to a new study, more than half of bladder cancers in the U.S. are the result of smoking. Begging the question, where exactly are you putting that cigarette?

13. On Thursday, the Vatican said that Pope Francis has set up a new commission to handle appeals by priests who have been disciplined for sexual abuse of minors. This just in, the person in charge of hearing the appeals has died of exhaustion.

14. A Colorado State University student is in jail after a wild night in which he took MDMA, snorted cocaine, had a seizure, stole the ambulance that was sent to help him, crashed that ambulance and then masturbated in the police station. As a result, his drug dealer has raised his prices because “apparently this is some good shit.”

15. Last week, John Boehner warned President Obama against using executive action to push through immigration reform by saying “when you play with matches, you take the risk of getting burnt.” Said President Obama, “Same goes for tanning beds, John.”

16. A nurse who treated Ebola patients in West Africa and publicly fought quarantine orders after returning to the U.S. has decided to move out of her home state of Maine. “Ah, yeah, I think we’re all good on nurses,” said the other 49 states.

17. Dallas got the U.S. government’s all-clear on Friday from Ebola, and former President George W. Bush marked the event by visiting the hospital that was at the center of fighting the outbreak. Said Dallas residents, “It’s good to see our two most public embarrassments together in the same place.”

18. Badminton world number one Lee Chong Wei has denied cheating or relying on banned substances despite failing a doping test that could lead to a two-year band. I’m on Wei’s side on this one, because I’d have to take a shitload of drugs to sit through a badminton match, too.

19. Police in Delaware said on Friday they are investigating an allegation of domestic assault made against NASCAR driver Kurt Busch. Or, as it is known in NASCAR circles, street-cred.

20. On Friday, the two remaining cities bidding for the 2022 Olympic Games, Beijing and Almaty, gave separate presentations to the Association of National Olympic Committees general assembly in Bangkok. Beijing’s presentation focused on its rich cultural traditional and hi-tech future while Almaty’s presentation consisted of its delegates begging the assembly not to send them back to Almaty.

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