April 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump is scheduled to have dinner with all the Supreme Court Justices on Thursday. It’ll mark the first time that all of President Trump’s dinner guests wore robes since Steve Bannon’s family came over for game night:

2. While speaking to astronaut Peggy Whitson yesterday, who is currently aboard the International Space Station, President Trump said “Better you than me,” when Whitson said she purifies her own urine to drink. So, I’m guessing the part that Trump objected to was the purifying part.

3. Despite saying “I love Wikileaks” while campaigning, in a new interview, President Trump said he doesn’t support the website. And, in Trump’s defense support and love are two very different things, for instance, he supports Eric and Don Jr.

4. A new study found that 90% of baby changing tables in public restrooms tested positive for cocaine. Which, I’m pretty sure, is the plot of ‘Boss Baby’:

5. Former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly launched a podcast on Monday. And it has already lost a sponsor, Blue Apron has pulled its commercials after O’Reilly tried to look down her apron.

6. Yesterday, President Trump announced his plan to send a man to Mars during his presidency. While, Scott Pruitt, the head of the EPA, announced his plans to send us all to Mars during Trump’s presidency.

7. While en route to Australia last week, Vice President Mike Pence forced everyone onboard Air Force 2 to watch “Hoosiers” which he called “the greatest basketball movie ever made.” “Yet another thing we disagree on,” said the plane’s previous tenant:

8. A new study found that blood from human infants appeared to improve learning and memory in older mice. And you thought these pictures were creepy before:

9. Vice President Mike Pence has cut short the final leg of his Asia trip to return to Washington ahead of a potential government shutdown. But, don’t worry, before Pence as able to end his trip prematurely, he was forced to look at an ultrasound of his remaining stops.

10. A seven-year-old boy in China miraculously survived a ten-storey fall from a building after using an umbrella as a ‘parachute.’ Upon landing, the boy was immediately served with a lawsuit by lawyers for Mary Poppins.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.