April 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Washington woman born with two vaginas is now pregnant. And I’m guessing her OBGYN is Monty Hall:

2. According to a new poll, a record 61% of Americans support legalizing marijuana. The number is so high because pollsters counted “Wait, what was the question again?” as a “Yes.”

3. A London bar has developed a whiskey cocktail that comes with a virtual reality headset that magically transports the drinker to the distillery where the spirit is made. Which is a nice change of pace, because when I drink whiskey I’m usually magically transported to the window outside my ex-girlfriend’s apartment.

4. “CBS This Morning” co-host Gayle King was reportedly onboard the yacht in Tahiti with the Obamas, Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. Although, NBC’s Brian Williams claims he was there too.

5. Under a new law, undercover police officers in Michigan will no longer be able to have sex with the prostitutes they’re investigating. Sounds like a lot of them are gonna have to go back to being ‘beat’ cops.

6. According to a new study, most 15-year-olds report being happy with their lives. So get to work, bullies.

7. A woman in Washington was arrested over the weekend after police found 42 cats in her car. And, since it was a Hyundai, it actually upped the resale value.

8. According to reports, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian are ‘furious’ over the details contained in Caitlyn Jenner’s upcoming tell-all book. Or, more accurately, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney are furious that they’re gonna have to read a book.

9. Scientists have developed a dryer that dries clothes five times faster than a normal dryer. Which means Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna have less time to make a move on his maid.

10. On Saturday, a woman Canada attacked a sex shop clerk saying she had HIV before lunging at him with needle and stealing vibrators. Or, as Charlie Sheen refers to it, foreplay.

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