April 26, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Experts say that software vulnerabilities in an app that allowed Hyundai cars to be started remotely made the company’s vehicles susceptible to high-tech robbers. Luckily, the company’s back-up security plan of the cars being Hyundais, prevented any thief from wanting to steal them.

2. On Monday, astronaut Peggy Whitson told President Trump that, while aboard the International Space Station, she purifies her own urine into clean drinking water. Whitman called the practice “a necessity,” while Trump called it “a waste of good urine.”

3. On a recent flight from Tampa to Los Angeles, passengers were surprised by an impromptu saxophone performance from jazz musician Kenny G. That story again, United has devised an ingenious and nonviolent way to get passengers to voluntarily give up their seats.

4. According to a new report, UFO sightings have tripled since 2001. I assume that’s because aliens are a lot like us and when they pass a car crash, they slow down to look at it.

5. A pregnant woman gave birth while visiting a zoo in Omaha on Sunday. Luckily, when her water broke, she was sitting in the right section:

6. On Monday, former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly spoke about his recent firing saying he is “very confident the truth will come out.” Although, it should be noted that he calls his penis ‘the Truth.’

7. The University of Tennessee Knoxville is offering a course on country music legend Dolly Parton. It will be graded on two curves.

8. A court in London ruled this week that a woman could paint the outside of her house in candy-cane stripes even if the sole purpose is to annoy neighbors she does not like. “Good to know,” said the residents of 1601 Pennsylvania Avenue.

9. According to reports, Marissa Mayer, Yahoo’s chief executive who failed to return the company to greatness, may still earn $186 million from its sale to Verizon. “Did she try making hats?” said Trump.

10. In a recent interview, legendary funk singer George Clinton said “there ain’t no funk in Trump.” In response, Trump said, “I don’t expect Chelsea’s husband to be a fan.”

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