March 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Tuesday night, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow released two pages of Donald Trump’s 2005 federal tax return showing that he paid $38 million on a $150 million income. “Duly noted,” said Melania’s divorce attorney.

2. Tuesday’s release of Donald Trump’s 2005 federal taxes revealed that wife Melania used to spell her name with a “J” as Melanija. The ‘J’ was easy for Melania to drop because luckily Donald knew a guy who had ample experience in removing letters:

3. Yesterday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions called marijuana a “life-wrecking dependency … that’s only slightly less awful” than heroin. So, either Sessions got his hands on some really good weed or some really shitty heroin.

4. On Wednesday, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said President Trump helped write the GOP healthcare plan. And you can tell he helped because “Donald Putin” surrounded by hearts is handwritten in the margins.

5. This week, Congress has received a petition to research obsessive-compulsion disorder. They received it after some rang their doorbell 82 times, no more, no less.

6. Over the weekend, Japan held its annual Penis Festival. And even though they held the penis festival, they made sure to cup the balls.

7. Yesterday it was noticed that the term ‘White House’ was misspelled on an official government website. That story again, the hiring of Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education is already having an affect.

8. On Tuesday, right-wing website Brietbart released an audio recording of Paul Ryan trashing Donald Trump back in October. But, in Ryan’s defense, he might have a valid excuse like his words were taken out of context or he was in a locker room at the time.

9. The San Francisco home made famous by the TV show ‘Full House’ is up for sale. It’s nice and very spacious, perfect for roommates, which is great because Dave Coulier has been squatting in the basement for the past 23 years.

10. Previously unseen candid photos of Adolf Hitler are set to be auctioned off later this week. And, in completely unrelated news, Steve Bannon was spotted at a local Walmart buying a ton of empty picture frames.

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