March 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, four out of five elementary schools students in Oklahoma can’t red a clock. While four out of five elementary school students in China made those clocks.

2. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said on Thursday that President Trump is playing a constructive role in new heath care legislation. And, he’s being such a good boy that he’s gonna get another gold star:

3. President Trump said a decision by a federal judge in Hawaii to issue an emergency halt on Wednesday to his revived travel ban was an example of “unprecedented judicial overreach.” There hasn’t been that bad of a case of overreach since Trump was backstage at the Miss Teen USA pageant.

4. This week, a pastor in Sierra Leone discovered a 706-carat uncut diamond. “So, he’s single?” asked Melania.

5. NBC announced on Tuesday that, beginning next month, “Saturday Night Live” will broadcast live across the country for the first time in the show’s 42-year history. Because why should people on the east coast be the only ones allowed to watch Donald Trump breakdown in real time on Twitter?

6. Grindr, the gay meet-up app, is offering users a new set of patented emojis. Although, I don’t think the eggplant is new.

7. According to ‘The New York Post,’ First Lady Melania couldn’t be convinced to leave her apartment in New York for a photo op at the White House. Said Melania, “I don’t understand why I have to go all the way to D.C. for a photo, we have microwaves here.”

8. A Texas goldfish with a disorder preventing it from controlling its own buoyancy is swimming upright thanks to a “wheelchair” designed by its owner. But just be sure, when he dies, to flush him down the handicapped toilet.

9. After robbing a bank, a Virginia man went to a Taco Bell and told a police officer he “did something stupid.” But, to be fair, no one ends up at a Taco Bell because they did something smart.

10. A blind woman from Maine says she and her service dog were kicked off an American Airlines flight after she requested a different seat. But, in American Airlines’ defense, she was requesting the pilot’s seat.

11. A Brazilian soccer team has signed goalkeeper Bruno Fernandes de Souza following his release from prison for the murder of his girlfriend and the subsequent feeding of her body to his dogs. Begging the question, can O.J. play soccer?

12. In a recent interview, Brazilian President Michel Temer said ghosts drove him out of the country’s presidential residence. Which is why officials have told Steve Bannon not to wear his hood around the White House:

13. In a recent interview, Eric Trump said the Trump brand “is the hottest it’s ever been.” Coincidentally, a phrase that, thanks to Scott Pruitt, has deleted from all EPA materials.

14. A series of tweets by White House spokesman Sean Spicer on Friday commenting on strong February job creation figures may have run afoul of federal guidance barring most officials from commenting on key economic data within an hour of its release. When reached for comment Spicer yelled, “NO YOU RAN AFOUL OF FEDERAL GUIDELINES!!”

15. U.S. officials said on Friday, ahead of their upcoming meeting, that President Donald Trump will ask German Chancellor Angela Merkel for advice on how to deal with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Said Trump, “And don’t say ‘mind the balls’ because I’m already doing that.”

16. A brown bear broke out of its cage at a zoo in northern Germany on Saturday and was shot dead by a zoo keeper after shocked visitors were led to safety. Or, as Betsy DeVos thinks of it, education.

17. A man carrying a backpack with mace and a letter for President Donald Trump was arrested Friday night after he breached security at the White House. Although, if he really wanted Trump to listen to his message he should have breached security at ‘Fox & Friends.’

18. According to a nuclear weapons expert, North Korea will likely have a reliable intercontinental ballistic missile capable of striking and destroying the U.S. within the next five years. “I can do it in four,” said Trump.

19. Nathan Daniel Larson is running for Virginia’s state House of Delegates after spending 16 months in jail for threatening to kill President Obama in 2009. Which explains his campaign poster:

20. According to a new study, Americans drank more bottle water than soda in 2016. So that sound you hear is Michael Bloomberg climaxing.

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