March 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, even if white and black men are the same heights and weights, people tend to perceive black men as taller, more muscular and heavier. Don’t believe me, this is what Shaq actually looks like:

2. Yesterday, Florida Senator Marco Rubio said rapper Snoop Dogg shouldn’t have shot a toy gun at a clown dressed up like President Trump in his newest music video. Because, apparently. the news is now sponsored by Mad Libs.

3. Former North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory, who was responsible for instituting the state’s transgender bathroom ban, says it’s hard for him to find a new job because people think he’s a bigot. Hmmm, have you considered running for president?

4. Chance the Rapper said in a recent interview that he is considering moving back in with his parents. So fuck street cred, Chance the Rapper got that cul-de-sac cred now.

5. Last month, drug enforcement agents in Florida seized 5,500 packets of heroin stamped with President Trump’s image and name. So, that makes Trump-brand heroin the second worst thing associated with Trump that you can be injected with:

6. President Donald Trump is set to sign an order to greatly reduce the role climate change plays in decision making across the U.S. government. Trump doesn’t want to take care of the environment for future generations, but, in his defense, you wouldn’t either if this is what you thought of when you heard the phrase ‘future genertions’:

7. President Donald Trump met with Saudi Arabia’s Deputy Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman at the White House on Tuesday. Where they discussed pressing issues like “How’d you get in here?” and “Secret Service patted you down first, right?”

8. A South Korean animal rights group has filed a complaint against former president Park Geun-hye for abandoning nine pet dogs in the presidential residence after being removed from office this week. And, if the group is upset about that, they’re gonna be really pissed when they find out Geun-hye had ten dogs before her last presidential dinner.

9. Iowa Representative Steve King said Monday that blacks and Hispanics “will be fighting each other” before overtaking whites in the US population. And, I imagine this is how King sees that playing out in his mind:

10. Adult entertainment site Pornhub is sending out a fleet of branded trucks to clean Boston’s streets for free today after yesterday’s snowstorm. Because, when you think about it, who knows more about plowing?

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