January 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Trump for president. An announcement that was met with enthusiastic applause by both Trump and Hillary supporters.

2. A new study found that families may be more satisfied with end-of-life care for loved ones dying of cancer when treatment is focused on comfort rather than aggressively fighting the disease. Especially when they didn’t like that family member to begin with.

3. The world of professional tennis was rocked on Monday by allegations that the game’s authorities have failed to deal with widespread match-fixing. “Oh, that sounds bad, focus on that,” said FIFA.

4. Major League Baseball said on Tuesday it has launched an investigation to see if Texas Rangers pitcher Yu Darvish has any connection to his brother’s illegal gambling ring. “You can’t hold someone responsible for the actions of his brother,” said Jeb Bush.

5. Major League Baseball has settled a lawsuit filed against it by fans unhappy about restrictions on watching their favorite teams play on TV. The case was complicated because fans of teams like the Yankees and the Athletics were unhappy that they couldn’t watch their teams, while Phillies fans wanted more restrictions.

6. Yesterday, the Cincinnati Reds announced that they will be inducting former-Red great Pete Rose into the team’s Hall of Fame on June 24. Rose said he was happy, but disappointed by the date because he had the over.

7. On Tuesday, France honored American actor Michael Keaton with a prestigious cultural award, giving him a medal for his contributions to the arts. Which can only mean on thing, “Herbie: Fully Loaded” hasn’t gotten to France yet.

8. A town in southwest Taiwan is building a church in the form of a giant high-heeled shoe, made of metal and blue glass. “I’m whatever religion that is,” said Quentin Tarantino.

9. It was reported this week that Khloe Kardashian will host a new talk show were she will drink cocktails with her guests. “Who needs cameras and guests,” said Lindsay Lohan.

10. A new world record for the biggest dog yoga class was attempted this weekend in Hong Kong. And I can’t think of a more pointless endeavor than dog yoga considering they’re already flexible enough to lick themselves.

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