January 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study found that the most common name of geniuses are John and Mary. While the least common is whatever Snooki named her kid.

2. According to a new poll, a majority of Americans said Bill Clinton does not factor into their opinion of Hillary Clinton’s campaign for president, saying they don’t even the associate the two together. Which is terrible news for Hillary’s campaign chances, but great news for Bill’s chances on Spring Break.

3. Bei Bei, the five-month old panda the U.S. received from China, made his public debut at the National Zoo in Washington D.C. on Saturday. Five-months old and already working, yeah, he’s definitely from China.

4. The first question in Sunday night’s Democratic presidential debate was, if elected, what issues would you tackle in your first 100 days in office. Bernie Sanders said he would tackle income inequality, Hillary Clinton said she would focus on creating new jobs, while Martin O’Malley said he would try to get to the bottom of why pigs are now flying.

5. On Sunday, Netflix announced that it is “doubling down” on kids programming. So finally, Jared from Subway will have something to watch when he Netflix and chills.

6. According to a new study, plant-based beverages like almond milk can’t be used to replace breast milk or baby formula and lead to an increase risk of scurvy in infants. But, on the plus-side, baby pirates.

7. Hall of Fame basketball player Magic Johnson was the first in line to buy season tickets for the newly moved Los Angeles Rams when season tickets went on sale yesterday. Well, actually, there were a few people in front of him, but he just coughed on them and they got out of the way.

8. A New York man appeared in court last week on charges that he exposed himself on a subway platform and asked a woman “can I masturbate to you.” Which, you have to admit, would have made for a really unique ‘how’d you two meet’ story if it had worked out.

9. The U.S. Missile Defense Agency said on Friday it had dropped a site in Redington Township, Maine, from a list of potential U.S. sites to deploy more ground-based missile defense interceptors. So, if you live in Redington Township, Maine, maybe try that getting under your desk move.

10. Oscar-winning actor Sean Penn on Friday rejected Mexico’s claim that his secret meeting with Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman was crucial to the drug kingpin’s recapture, saying officials were trying to put him in the crosshairs of the cartels. Which can only mean one thing, Mexican officials paid $10.50 to see “Tree of Life.”

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