January 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Trump for president. Political experts called the endorsement “a major coup,” while John McCain called it, “the beginning of the end.”

2. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he has “a great relationship with God.” Which can only mean one thing, God’s got two to three years more until Trump finds a younger, hotter God to have a relationship with.

3. A homeless woman who gave birth on a cardboard box outside St. Peter’s Square early on Wednesday morning received an offer of one year’s hospitality in a Vatican institution. Which is better than the Church’s first offer, some mir.

4. Jeb Bush has released a new ad featuring mean things that Donald Trump has said on the campaign trail. The ad is just Jeb reading from his diary.

5. A woman in California is claiming that she found a severed fingertip in her Applebee’s salad. Which can only mean one thing, Jason Pierre Paul has been working as a part-time chef in a California Applebee’s.

6. The island of Mamula, which, during World War II was used as a concentration camp housing over 2,300 prisoners, is being turned into a luxury beach resort. “I’m not falling for that one again,” said Guantanamo Bay prisoners.

7. U.S. educators on Wednesday endorsed a Harvard University-developed proposal to reform college admissions by relying less on high-stakes tests, and more on teens demonstrating a passion for learning and long-term charity projects. Although, by the looks of our high school kids’ results on those high-stakes tests, they are long-term charity projects.

8. Nearly all of Detroit’s public schools were closed Wednesday after teachers called in sick, en masse, to protest poor school conditions. “Yeah, uh, that’s why they called in sick,” said Jim, the Phys Ed teacher who sleeps around and has Chlamydia.

9. According to a Forbes magazine poll released Wednesday, the New York Knicks are the NBA’s most valuable franchise, worth $3 billion. While, the 6-38 Philadelphia 76ers are worth $700 million, so, I’m guessing the poll had a plus-or-minus $700 million margin of error.

10. This week, University of Michigan football head coach Jim Harbaugh conducted a full-fledged sleepover at a recruit’s house to convince him to play ball at Michigan. Not to be outdone, Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer asked the recruit to go steady.

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