December 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Malala Yousafzai, the Pakistani teenager who won the Nobel Peace Prize, condemned presidential candidate Donald Trump’s controversial plan to ban Muslims from entering America. Leaving Trump in the uncomfortable position of not knowing whether to attack her for being Muslim or a woman.

2. Kentucky Senator Rand Paul is trailing in Republican presidential polls but he had a strong showing among millennials on social media during Tuesday night’s debate. Millennials said they identify with Paul because, he won’t get that job he’s applying for either.

3. David Frei, the longtime co-host of New York’s Westminster Kennel Club dog show, announced on Wednesday that he will step down this year. But, to soften the blow, they’ll just tell the dogs he went to live on a farm upstate.

4. An airplane company has announced plans to develop a small seating area on the top of some jets that will allow a 360 degree view of the sky. The company reportedly got the idea by hearing how Mitt Romney’s dog traveled on family road-trips.

5. On Wednesday, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” became the first album in history to cross the 30 million mark in U.S. sales. And, I like to think if Michael were alive today, he would have celebrated with Bubbles the Monkey, the Elephant Man’s bones and a little boy who was good at keeping secrets.

6. A Biblical reference made by a Peanuts character has been cut from an elementary school performance of “A Charlie Brown Christmas” in eastern Kentucky in order to abide by federal laws. Even the religious parents were in favor of cutting the line, saying, “The less I have to sit through the better.”

7. Restaurant chain Buffalo Wild Wings has introduced a Mountain Dew flavored chicken wing for the last two weeks of the year. They’re perfect for anyone who’s 2015 new year’s resolution was to kill themselves, but hasn’t gotten around to it yet.

8. Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate on CNN drew 18 million viewers. Or, to be more accurate, 17,999,999, because I’m pretty sure Ben Carson slept through most of it.

9. According to a new study, teenage cigarette smoking fell to its lowest level since the University of Michigan began doing its national survey in 1975. Making it much more difficult for the researchers to determine which were the cool kids.

10. Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said on Wednesday he expected the party to settle on a nominee for the 2016 presidential election by mid-April. ‘Hi, yes, I’d like to schedule tee time for late April,” said Jeb Bush.

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