November 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Secret Service officer assigned to the White House was arrested after he was caught in a sting sending naked pictures of himself to someone he thought was a 14-year-old girl from Delaware. Authorities became suspicious of the officer when he said he was looking forward to taking a trip to Delaware.

2. Donald Trump said Thursday that Ben Carson’s self-described “pathological temper” is incurable and then compared it to the sickness of a “child molester.” Adding, “Why do you think he keeps going door-to-door introducing himself?”

3. Singer Justin Bieber’s new album “Purpose” goes on sale today, which also happens to be Friday the 13th. “I can’t beat that,” said Jason and Freddie.

4. Retailer Bloomingdales has come under fire for a holiday advertisement which seems to encourage people to spike their friend’s eggnog when they’re not looking. So I guess we know where Cosby bought all those sweaters.

5. According to a new study, injuries may be more common in kickboxing than in traditional boxing. Many attribute this to the kicking.

6. According to a new report, At least one in five adult New Yorkers suffer from some sort of mental disorder. Researchers conducted the study by spending ten minutes on the G train.

7. According to a new study, middle aged and older people with type 2 diabetes may be able to meet their daily activity requirements by playing games on the Wii Fit Plus system. But, of course, the always end up playing Candy Crush instead.

8. This week, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie sign a law officially banning beastiality in the state. So now, if you’re ‘sleeping with fishes’ in New Jersey, you better be dead.

9. On Thursday, the White House said that President Obama will meet with the president of Turkey next week. Said Vice President Biden, “But Thanksgiving’s not until the week after.”

10. New research has found that, contrary to popular belief, it could be beneficial for women to eat and drink while in labor. But, to be fair, drinking is probably what got you into this mess to begin with.

11. More than 500 women competed last weekend in Brazil’s annual Miss BumBum Pageant, which crowns the country’s best butt. The show went smoothly except for when the host, wanting the audience to applaud, foolishly asked for them to “make it clap.”

12. Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers was caught smashing a Microsoft Surface tablet on the sideline of his game over the weekend. And somehow that is still the best publicity a Microsoft tablet has ever received.

13. Students at a Colorado high school exchanged naked photos of themselves, prompting a felony investigation by police. I miss the old days, before all this technology, when teachers just slept with the students.

14. Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson’s recollection of being offered a scholarship to the prestigious U.S. Military Academy at West Point has come under question. Said Carson, “That’s not just my recollection, that’s how Brian Williams reported it.”

15. Irish women are tweeting details of their periods to Prime Minister Enda Kenny to help publicize a campaign to repeal restrictive abortion laws. As a result, Throwback Thursdays on Twitter in Ireland have been changed to Throw-up Thursdays.

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