October 1, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Embattled Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis had a secret meeting with the Pope while he was in the U.S. The face-to-face meeting strengthened Davis’s decision to not issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples and the Pope decision to be celibate.

2. On Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would send all the Syrian refugees the U.S. accepts back to Syria if he is elected. Said the Syria refugees, “If you’re elected president, we’ll go back to Syria on our own.”

3. On Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would send all the Syrian refugees the U.S. accepts back to Syria if he is elected. Apparently Donald Trump’s America consists solely of Donald Trump.

4. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said the Washington Redskins should keep their controversial name despite complaints from Native American groups. But, keep in mind, this is coming from a guy who thinks it’s a good idea to go by the name ‘Jeb.’

5. In a recent interview, Donald Trump’s wife Melania said she “let’s Donald be himself.” Begging the question, what were the other terrible personality choices that she considered that the best option?

6. Khloe Kardashian has released a new video detailing her complete butt workout. Didn’t Kim and Ray J already make one of those?

7. Yesterday, Whole Foods announced that they will no longer sell food made by prisoners. Which explains why the cake I bought there last week contained a file.

8. According to research, Apple’s new Watch sells for an average of $529. Or, as the Chinese kids who make the watch think of it, a year’s salary.

9. “Duck Dynasty” star Willie Robertson has endorsed Donald Trump for president. Which makes sense, because an orange face is pretty close to a red neck.

10. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Lindsey Graham was asked if his low polling numbers would make him consider dropping out of the race. To which Graham responded, “Shit, even I forgot I was running.”

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