October 2, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, 70-year-old, British actress Helen Mirren said she won’t do nude or topless scenes anymore. “Great, more work for me,” said Kathy Bates.

2. On Thursday, the U.S. National Hurricane Center said that Hurricane Joaquin is now seen as less likely to pose a major threat to the East Coast. Said Donald Trump, “And, if I’m elected president, that will just be the first of many Joaquins that won’t pose a threat.”

3. According to a new poll, 75 percent of Republican voters said they would be less likely to vote for a candidate who is Muslim. The poll was conducted by reading a few emails about Obama from your uncle.

4. According to a new study, women who suffer from a leading cause of infertility may increase their odds of conception if they exercise and lose weight. That story again, men don’t want to sleep with fat messes.

5. A man in Russia injected himself with a 3.5-million-year-old bacteria hoping it would make him immortal. “That’s not how you do it,” said Larry King.

6. Uruguay said on Thursday it had granted licenses to two companies to grow marijuana for commercial distribution, adding that the plant should go on sale in pharmacies next year. Which is not nearly enough time for potheads to figure out where Uruguay is.

7. Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said he believes people should be able to fly the Confederate flag as long as it’s on private property. Unfortunately, most trailer parks are considered communal areas.

8. In a recent interview, actor Vin Diesel said the Fast and Furious movie franchise will wrap up after three more films. Now comes the hard for Diesel, counting to three.

9. According to a new report, exposure to toxic chemicals in food, water and air is linked to millions of deaths. That story again, the word ‘toxic’ still means exactly what you think it does.

10. A Florida teenager has been jailed after his grandmother called police when she saw him allegedly stealing almost 100 guns from a neighbor’s home. Which has to be one of the better possible outcomes when robbing a house that has over 100 guns in it.

11. A mural painted by British graffiti artist Banksy on an out-of-business auto factory in Detroit, sold for $137,500 yesterday. It’s not surprising that the most valuable thing in Detroit was some graffiti.

12. Rapper Kanye West will preform at a Democratic National Committee fundraiser next week. Said Ted Cruz to Ben Carson, “Wait, I thought you were Kanye West.”

13. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said the Washington Redskins should keep their controversial name despite complaints from Native American groups. But Bush said he would tweak the name to ‘Redskins!’

14. “Duck Dynasty” star Willie Robertson has endorsed Donald Trump for president. That is, if you consider saying, “I’d really like to shoot whatever’s on that guy’s head,” as an endorsement.

15. Researchers in Singapore are working on a robot who can put together furniture made by IKEA. Unfortunately, the researchers ordered the robot’s parts from IKEA, so they haven’t made any progress.

16. MMA fighter Bryeanne Russillo said she is being forced to fight in a higher weight class because her breasts are too big and weigh too much. “Tell me about it, girlfriend,” said George Foreman.

17. Scientists have discovered that giraffes hum, but only at night. “Looks like someone’s job just got a whole lot easier,” said lions.

18. On Thursday night, a woman gave birth to a baby girl at Petco Field in San Diego during a Padres game. Which is an ingenious way to sneak two people into a baseball game with one ticket.

19. Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who when went to jail rather than issue marriage licenses to gay couples, has left the Democratic party and become a Republican. Thus, the Democratic party’s loss is the Republican party’s even bigger loss.

20. Claiming that the media mischaracterized his recent comments on Muslims, on Friday, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson told the media that it needed to “mature.” Said the media, “I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you.”

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